Paul Critoph on Wonka, Cinema Etiquette & The Florida Tourist Trap (Bonus)

I was just thinking about something, oof, snuck with a yawn, because you've just been to America and stuff.

I have, yeah.

I was just thinking how, like, we can't have that conversation anymore that people used to have.

Do you know, like, when you'd go to the States 20 years ago, you'd see something on telly that wasn't here yet.

And you'd come back with, like, there's this new show, there's this new TV show that I haven't seen.

It's like you'll never guess what was in the cinema.

Yeah, exactly, the cinema as well, exactly.

Oh, have I got my horn for films?

Yep.

Yeah, so we've got, that was part of it last time.

So yeah, like, you don't get that anymore, because everything just comes out worldwide, pretty much, right?

So you don't come back with news from afar.

Yeah, like how the latest Disney film for kids was total shit.

Which one was that?

Wish.

Have you seen that?

Have you dragged the kids to it?

No, I don't go to, the only thing I took them to the cinema to see was Wonka, because I wanted to see that.

And I loved it, absolutely loved it.

And I...

And Neil Hanan did the music, of course, didn't he?

Exactly, exactly.

That was such a big draw.

And I could tell each song, the way that they blended that music, like the umpah-lumpah stuff to what he comes up with, because he is quite, you know, he does the old, you know, up and down bass line.

So it was perfect.

It was a perfect film.

And I almost cried, not for any emotional storyline, just for how beautiful it was and how well made it was.

And I was just so proud to like, had this sort of pride of Britishness come over me.

It was really weird, because I never feel that.

Well, had you seen the Paddington movies?

Yes, of course.

But it was such a perfect, like, pile of talent.

It was all the peep show people and even Big Su's turned up, you know, Winkleman, Sophie Winkleman, is that her name?

And Little Wang Rocks Up and I was like, oh, this is great.

And people from Ghosts, I just loved it.

Yeah, it was fun.

The only slight downside I felt was that Chalamet, charming as he is, ain't much of a singer.

But apart from that, the notes were fine, but he didn't have any kind of heft to his voice.

I didn't feel like there was any, basically I could imagine Neil Hannon on the demos, singing the songs a lot better.

Yeah, yeah, of course.

But he was charming and the whole thing was a delicious, frothy confection appropriately enough.

Exactly.

And he was better than I thought he'd be, because the most recent, it's not a film podcast, but I watch Dune, Dune, whichever way you say it.

Dune.

And we don't need to talk about that, but it was endurance, not enjoyment.

Let's put it that way from my perspective.

And I've seen him in that Wes Anderson movie, the only Wes Anderson movie I've ever turned off.

The French Dispatch.

The Bureau, French Bureau.

Yeah, what a living up its own ass hole film that was.

I had to turn it off.

And I love all, you know, if I'm looking at the beautiful symmetry, that's all very lovely, but you know, the film bored me.

I remember literally having, I think I might have even said it out loud like, I am bored.

Oh really?

So I'm going to turn this off now.

And yeah, it's put me off him really, I don't know.

But yeah, he was good in it.

Did you not see, what was the recent one?

Asteroid City?

Was it something like that?

No, I found when it comes to movies, people that I absolutely love, I'm beginning to loathe like Noah Baumbach and stuff like that.

I like Barbie and I like the one with Adam Driver dancing in the supermarket in the 70s.

But it's enough now, please.

It's enough with the pretty backgrounds.

I mean, there's apps now that can make any picture look like it's in a Wes Anderson film.

So you know you've hit like fast show status at that point.

Everything is just like a meme and a gimmick and whatever.

You probably have very deep thoughts on all those films.

I imagine if I could dredge far enough into my brain on this.

Is it morning?

No, it's afternoon.

I forget.

We don't need to talk about films.

Wonka was good though.

I liked Wonka.

Wonka was good.

It was just that I don't go to the cinema very often and I had a feeling that people would shut up, but they did bring a lot of snacks.

I can guarantee it was probably better than the situation we had.

We went to see a Godzilla minus one the other night, which is the new Japanese Godzilla film.

Godzilla.

Exactly.

And it was great.

It was set directly after the Second World War and it's right back to the origins.

I mean, it was a bit po-faced, I think it's safe to say.

The lead actor was constantly in a state of high drama and breaking down in tears and such, which is fine.

The film itself was good, but we saw it in Camden at 8.45 at night and the audience were just the biggest nest of twats I think I've encountered in years.

There was an incredibly self-important man a seat away from me and his mates and he was talking about, oh, I've got my pocket wine and I could see him like glugging away.

And just during the trailers, they were incredibly noisy.

Then there were people calling back and forth about.

Is this the odion in Parkway?

No.

Yes, it is.

And when they have the thing that comes on the screen, it says, make sure you don't talk and stuff, switch off your phones.

Someone behind said, I wish you could switch off your voice.

The guy went like, not likely.

And he seemed like a self-important actor.

And he probably was.

And then he said, besides, it's...

And how did he say it?

Basically he said, he said, it's Godzilla.

But he was like, he's Godzilla.

And I just said, what, is he Mexican now?

And it was just, it was just awful.

And throughout the film, people getting up, going around, then the dude fell asleep halfway through.

Yeah, that would just stress me out.

Because I have actually got up before now.

Like if I get the feeling that these guys are gonna be cunts, I get up and I leave.

I just go to a different screening.

I've done that, I did that with iRobot back in the day.

Oh really?

Some annoying people in the audience and a lot of drilling and banging coming through a wall.

And the beginning started and I thought, I should be watching this way more closely, but I'm distracted.

So I just got up and I left and I went out front and I said, yeah, you gotta put me in another screen.

When's the next one?

But I went to see NOPE, the Jordan Peele movie in that same cinema last summer.

And I had a wonderful experience because that's the cinema I walked into after getting bored buying pants in TK Maxx.

And I walked into that cinema and there was no one in there at all, just me, one other person right at the back eating ice cream, over expensive Haagen Dazs.

And it was like I was in the cinema on my own.

And I watched the whole of NOPE without a peep in Camden at like three in the afternoon in August.

It was beautiful.

Delightful.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

You know, I've spoken to quite a few people now who just say, don't worry about that stuff.

It really doesn't matter.

It's the violence and the horrible stuff that matters.

Not just a little bit of innuendo and, you know, the things that I would have seen as a kid would have been, you know, like the carry on films.

So they all was, everything is about sex.

Everything is about sex.

As soon as I put anything on television, I changed his Netflix to 12.

It seems to like literally allow anything in.

And I came into the room yesterday morning and I thought he was watching cartoons.

He was watching What Happens in Vegas?

Some terrible film with Aston Kutcher.

And I was like, this is not appropriate.

Cause that's clearly gonna be-

That must have passed me by, I think.

Yeah, I think it passed me by.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Florida is a bizarre place.

It is.

I've never been there.

My wife tells me that I should never go because I just wouldn't like the heat for a start.

I get hot very quickly.

Don't like that.

Get uncomfortable immediately since I wake up.

So, the idea of being in a big hot place doesn't thrill me with massive positive vibes.

No, no, but there are wonderful theme parks, which I know you're also not particularly a fan of.

Do you know what?

I'd love to, I think, I really would like to try some and I think I would like it.

I went on, you'll be proud of me.

I haven't really been on a roller coaster till last summer and I went on the one at Chesington where you hang low and go, what was that one called?

Mandrill Mayhem, perhaps.

It was one of the older ones.

Vampire.

Vampire Ride.

I loved that.

I want to go on it again.

Couldn't, Massive Q.

Well, there we go.

Did you pay, did you say on one of your videos you didn't pay to get to the front of the queue, but you paid for something?

Did you have a hybrid ticket that allowed you to jump a little bit?

Well, I mean, this is a kettle of fish.

The different parks have different ways of doing it.

Disney like to ring every last penny out of you.

You can, if you want, pay, I think it's $15 to get on a ride, like the very popular rides.

Which guarantees your place, $15 a ride.

You can only do that once a day.

Or you can get Genie Plus, which basically means you can, on your phone, reserve a place on a ride in maybe a couple of hours.

But there's a way that you can manipulate that.

You can get your place and then keep refreshing it until you get an earlier one.

And you can only book one at a time.

But when you're in the queue for that ride, you can then book the next.

And my wonderful wife, Lillian, so she likes a flutter, she likes a gamble.

But I mean, she does.

I think she enjoyed that more than the theme parks.

Just constantly playing the slots.

It is a little bit.

Yeah, a bit of the fun out of it, maybe, a tiny bit.

Well, she seemed like in Hogg's heaven, quite frankly.

So she was loving that part.

Yeah, there is, I don't understand how people could do Disney with kids, which obviously is the major market.

Yes.

The stress would be ridiculous.

Ridiculous, absolutely, I mean, trying to corral kids and get them to a certain place over the other side of a park, like within 15 minutes.

We've got to get there.

No, you can't go to the toilet.

Just, the whole thing would be ridiculous.

Yeah, eat this disgusting food that's $25.

Oh, my word, yeah.

I mean, we've been to the one in LA with all three kids in 2019, but thank you so much to my in-laws because they didn't pay a cent for it.

It was a present.

So we were taken to Disney and I was taken, not against my will, but it was the only hours I was gonna go, so I'm not giving them the money.

And that's not a tight thing.

Disney, as well known, not a friend of the pod, so we can say what we want.

But yeah, I do find, I had a lot more fun than I wanted to admit and people were very nice.

My only recollection of it really was, it was just the food was abysmal.

Like you said, everything was quite expensive.

It did feel like a money rinser.

And generally a lot of the rides the kids couldn't go on because they were too small.

So I went with the two young, I guess.

But we had a fun time.

Well, I mean, I have to say, Universal I enjoyed a lot more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The rides, I mean, they're based on properties that I care about as much as anything, lots of the time.

They had better roller coasters.

The theming was just as good.

And the theming for me is like a major part of the experience.

I like to be, I suppose as an actor, I like to be immersed in somewhere out of the ordinary.

And yeah, Universal does that just as well as Disney, in my opinion.

And the food was better.

The food was much better.

Somehow, I'm not really sure, but the quality was just much better.

And I don't know if you've heard, Universal are now building a theme park in the UK.

I have heard this in...

Bedford.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's exciting.

Ooh, isn't it?

See, I probably never, have I never told you what, I probably haven't told you what I did for my 30th birthday.

I was in LA and I had a plan to go to Disney.

This was before my Disney hating days.

I just didn't understand Disney.

So I didn't have an opinion on it.

It wasn't negative.

I knew nothing about Nazi films.

I knew nothing about the extortionate things that were on the horizon.

All I knew was I didn't really watch Disney films.

And why was I suddenly going to Disney?

Because I was in Disneyland.

And on the day, I was just going to go to Anaheim and walk in, you know, you can just turn up.

And the day I went, I woke up and I thought, why am I doing this?

I don't even like Disney.

This is ridiculous.

So I decided to go to Universal instead.

So I went to Universal Studios for my 30th birthday.

And I may have mentioned this on here before.

If I do, I'll edit it out.

But it was a great day.

I went on this little tour with a few people.

They opened up the Friends set for me.

I walked in the Friends set.

I saw loads of stuff being filmed that was really, really cool.

I saw JJ.

Abrams thing.

I went into this exclusive little museum within the Universal Studios at the time.

And it had the Batman suit, whoever was that.

It was that time, Clooney, I think.

And I saw Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver script in a glass with all the notes.

And I felt like I was having this exclusive look at this museum and things like you say, like I cared about and I knew and I was exposed to.

And I was like, wow, that thing, that thing.

Oh, that's ER.

Well, everything was just, oh my God, that's Back to the Future set.

You know, I just, every, everything, everywhere I went was like something I was, you know, I grew up with or loved.

Whereas if I had gone to Disney at that time, I don't think I'd have, I hadn't even seen like it.

I've never seen anything.

I'm only exposed to it now.

I'm having kids and I am, I like some of the movies and stuff like that, but they do seem to just be, I don't know.

I just feel like when they're making Canto, they're making it because they're forced to, because that's the demographic now rather than they want to.

I don't know.

I don't know if I think their heart is in it.

I enjoyed in Canto.

Oh, I loved it.

The heart may not have been in it.

However, Wish, as I alluded to earlier, that is not a good film.

Who is that aimed at?

Well, kids, I would imagine, as most of their output, of course, has to be, but it just didn't have any crossover appeal to me.

And that's what matters.

It's for their 100th anniversary, Disney 100th anniversary.

I don't think they want to hear about that, do they?

Can we see those first ones, please?

Wish, 2020, a young girl named Asher.

It's basically about overthrowing a society that seemed to be functioning fine as it was.

And I predict six months after the end of Wish, it'll be a totalitarian regime and there'll be blood filling the streets.

Oh, lovely.

Handmaid's Tale.

Yeah, it was not great.

But too many films.

Nice.

I'll bring up one film, just because you've mentioned the word genie, and I really enjoyed it the other day.

We sat down, I think it was like a weekday.

It might have even been like Monday this week or something.

The kids came home from school.

My wife was home.

And I thought, let's sit down and watch a Christmas movie.

My son had accidentally seen some Graham Norton where he was talking about his movie.

And he mentioned this film Genie.

And for what it was, I liked it.

So Richard Kirk's movie, it's a Christmas film.

Set in America, loads of English people, no real reason to explain why they've got English accents, which I like, because I don't like it when they just make everyone American, because there can be people like Chris O'Dowd.

You know, he's often Irish in American things, there's no explanation why he's a policeman.

It's fine, we'll just go along with it, you know.

So I like that aspect of it, and it was just, it was really funny, and it was nice, and there was even a little sort of, not a Jesus joke, but it was funny how they dealt with it, and I enjoyed it.

That is good.

I think most people are watching that at home, because it's an Amazon Prime type thing.

Right.

One of those places you can rent it.

But yeah, I really enjoyed that.

It was a great Christmas film, and that's the kind of thing I like, you know.

Certain films, you start watching.

Talk about films.

We'll watch it at home.

Leave the World Behind.

Have you seen that yet?

No, no.

When it started, I was like, oh, this is exactly the kind of thing I like.

Horror tropes and weird creepy stuff and what's going on.

But the way it ends is like fucking hell.

If you don't laugh out loud at how stupid it ends, I don't know.

Well, thinking of ridiculous conclusions, did you see the Christmas film Last Christmas?

I think it was maybe two years ago it was released.

It was Henry Golding and Emilia Clarke.

It's not based on Wham, but it kind of is.

A girl who dresses as an elf and was recovering from a...

I mean, I can spoil it.

I'm going to spoil it.

I'm going to spoil it.

So if anyone wants to see Last Christmas...

Well, for a start, the film is called Last Christmas.

It's about a girl who had a horrible accident possibly and she had to have surgery a couple of years ago and now she works as an elf at Christmas.

She meets an enigmatic, charming young man.

They really hit it off, but he's mysterious and keeps going away.

They fall in love.

It ends up that last Christmas, he gave her his heart in a transplant when he died after an accident.

And she's been having a romance with his ghost.

So they took the Wham song.

Yeah, and I think Emma Thompson wrote it.

I think she's in it.

I know she's in it.

But when it's revealed that he gave her his heart, but the thing is, the very next day she did not give it away or she would have died.

Yeah, of course.

So get it right, Thompson, get it right.

Here's the thing.

I notice Americans, when they cough and sneeze now, all do it into their elbow, COVID style.

Really?

Which is something.

Where people cough through their hand like a towel and they shoot it at you as if that's somehow helping?

Yeah, they make an old fashioned loud haler out of their hand.

Just really project that into your face.

Because you're in the neck.

But I mean, kids are the worst for that.

Oh, in your face, sneeze in your face.

Just really trumpet their lips out and really force that thing at you.

The amount of times I'll go towards one of my kids and they'll sneeze or cough in my eye or something like that.

Well, I guess I've got that now, whatever that is.

Brilliant.