Live from EdFringe '24 with Chris Dobrowolski

Good afternoon, good morning, good evening, screen rats.

I'm coming to you direct from Edinburgh, about to embark on the third week of doing my show, Steve Otis Gunn is uncomfortable at Surgeons Hall.

Now, this one's a bit different, nothing to do with TV.

Sorry, I'm just using the feed to hijack the airwaves and get this pod to you.

I did a podcast about a year ago or less with Chris Dobrowolski.

I don't know if you remember that one, guys, but it was, you know, done via voice notes and it was a very artistic episode, should I say.

So we thought we would get together, because he's up here with his show called Toy Stories.

And, you know, we've been hanging out.

So it would be a good time to sit up top here at the top of Surgeons Hall, looking out over the city and do a podcast all about the fringe, the ups and downs.

I think we recorded this a few days ago when I was right in my mid-fringe funk.

I'm out the other side of that now, thank god, because it was awful.

And I felt really shit about everything.

It's just that thing of getting small audiences, having to cancel a couple of shows, sometimes getting audiences that don't quite get what you're doing.

I've been told my show is a bit Marmite-y, so the other day when I canceled a show, I put a tub of Marmite on a chair and I filmed it.

And I put that out on the socials because I thought it was funny, you know, things like that.

And, you know, I got a four-star review, which is amazing because I didn't think I would get that on my first ever attempt.

So that was great.

That was from someone that really got what I was doing.

So that was really sweet.

And I put that on to my posters.

And the way you do that here is you go to Fringe Central and you print them out on a photocopier.

Of course, you need the app and you need to download the QR code and do the thing and do the thing and do the thing.

All the stuff to annoy.

And once you've fucking grabbed a guillotine off of a selfish person that won't give it to you after two hours, you start chopping them up and you start gluing them on to your flyers and on to the posters and all that sort of stuff.

And I zoomed out while I was there and I thought, wow, we're all sort of doing this thing, like trying to get people to come and get the review and stick the thing on the thing.

And I zoomed out and it all looks so sort of narcissistic and sort of navel gazing for a second.

And I thought, what the fuck are we all doing?

You know, and so much paper, by the way, so much paper.

I remember back in 2018 having conversations about going paperless.

Clearly, that has not happened.

Anyway, so let's get back to being in Edinburgh.

I've been here for, well, about three weeks nearly now.

You know, it's been going all right.

My digs are OK.

They're quite far out.

The bus ride is getting a little tedious, especially when it doesn't turn up and I'm out there in the fucking rain, freezing to death at 1am.

And I've been to see loads of shows, loads of shows.

But I sort of, when I go to see these sort of midnight shows, it really has a massive knock on effect because I can't get home till three in the morning.

And then I can't get up early and there's a whole thing and, you know, you know how it can be.

Maybe you don't, but it's basically you have to move your entire body clock to be able to go to bed at 3 and get up at sort of 10 if you can get, you know, keep asleep for that long.

I bought this eye mask that I got at Primark, of all places.

And it's for people with long eyelashes and it has this sort of, you know, it doesn't pressure your eyeballs.

That's quite nice.

So that works quite well.

My digs are lovely.

The landlady's great when she's not doing, you know, house repairs and sawing fucking wood in the morning.

I've woken up to a few bangs and bumps at 8am, which isn't great.

But, you know, I got a cold as well in the second week, which really fucking sucked last Saturday, a week ago.

It's Sunday now, actually.

Last Saturday, I had a reviewers in and I was really struggling to breathe.

So that was less than great.

You get a bit run down doing this thing and you need some fisherman's friends and some lozenges and stuff like that.

But you know, that's the way it goes.

That's the way it goes.

It's just fringe, right?

It's all ups and downs and around and around.

Lots of tourists.

You get a bit annoyed in the middle.

You sort of start feeling like people that must live here must feel.

Just so many people walking slowly.

And then you realize, well, you don't have to walk that fast.

But it's a fucking...

It's like coming out of a gig at all times when you're walking down the street outside here on Nicholson Street where I'm performing.

Now, I don't want to bang on about negativity or anything like that, but I'm starting to really feel like it's a bit of a pyramid scheme and a bit of a scam, the cost of everything.

But it is what we need to do to do what we're trying to do.

And the fact that I've come here and I've written a show on my own, I've come here on my own, no one's paid for me.

You know what I mean?

I've had to use our own money, make huge sacrifices to the family in order for me to be here for the summer.

But the idea that I just pulled this thing out of the air and turned it into something, put it on and got a four-star review, I think that's a success regardless of who sees it and how many people come and who doesn't and whatever happens afterwards.

It doesn't matter.

I've now achieved something that I didn't achieve before and that has to be something to be celebrated and be proud of.

With a week to go, I'm feeling pretty positive about everything.

I'm doing lots of podcast records, which I'm really enjoying.

Meeting some people that I really, really admire and I've seen some great comedians here and gone up to them afterwards.

I've made friends with very well-known comedians, which is really nice.

So yeah, it's been a positive experience all the way.

Also, regarding those podcast recordings, I do a lot of remote ones, a lot of work.

It's so much better to do it in person, so I've been banking them.

There'll be quite a lot of podcast episodes coming up to probably right up till nearly Christmas.

But we won't be banging on about Fringe in most of them, so you won't know.

But yeah, that's been fun.

Anyway, let's get on with my talk with Chris.

This was around the beginning of the mid-Fringe funk feeling, so we're probably a little bit, and we're coming in hot and we're a bit aggressive, maybe, but it is what it is.

And I'm doing very little editing, so this is as fucking raw as it gets.

So this is me and Chris Dobrowolski, talking just a few days ago here at Edinburgh Fringe.

You got to suppress that mid-Fringe funk.

Roll up, roll up.

Welcome to Television Times, a weekly podcast with your host, me, Steve Otis Gunn.

We'll be discussing Edinburgh Fringe in all its glorious forms.

From my experience, from Chris' experience, and all the shows we've seen.

So join me as I talk to people you do know and people you don't about what scared them, what inspired them, and what made them laugh and cry.

Here are Television Times.

So where we are, should we talk about where we are?

So we're in Edinburgh.

This is a live from Edinburgh podcast.

Your mic is nice and loud, I think.

So just say hello.

I'm in Edinburgh too, sitting next to you.

So I'm not going to edit out the seagulls.

There's seagulls in the background.

The nice view.

It is a nice view.

R for C on the right and the C in the distance there.

Is it a C or is it the?

Earth for four.

Yeah, exactly.

All of that jazz.

Is that the Bass Rock over there?

I don't know.

So this is our live from Edinburgh with me, Steve Otis Gunn and?

Chris Dobrowolski.

No, Chris has been on the podcast before, but obviously it was a weird one that we did in an artistic way with voice notes and my Trans-Siberian Diary and his stories of his father.

So it was all a bit different.

Whereas this one, we're just going to probably chat nothing about Tully, we're just using the feed to bitch about EdFringe and talk about our experiences because I have not even mentioned anything so far.

So how's it go for you?

Um, sort of.

Well, I did come with quite low expectations.

Those have not quite been met yet.

I haven't met last night.

Yeah, so the last time I did a show in Edinburgh was 11 years ago, and I was quite happy to never come back ever again.

But I have a...

Should I tell you that story?

Would that be interesting?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How many have you done?

This is the fourth time I've been to Edinburgh.

Yeah, tell us the last one.

This is the fourth one, but the first one was 18 years ago.

I've always done sort of pop-up venues, really.

So the first one 18 years ago was actually on a bus, on the meadows.

Then I think I graduated to a pub, Thistle Street Bar.

That sounds cool.

It was.

Yeah, it was really nice.

The nice thing about a pop-up venue is you're kind of like the people you're working with, everyone's kind of like invested in it emotionally, and they're sort of willing you to work.

You don't get that sense of convey about that you would do in another or established venue.

I do not know what you mean.

But, so, yeah, it was nice.

And also, of course, the main thing was it was free.

It was called Dr.

Robert's Magic Bus.

There was about six shows on there.

Maximum seating for my show, I think, was 19, which I only managed to fill once.

That's right.

But, of course, you've got like a, of course, there's a lot of camaraderie around there and everyone goes to each other's shows.

It was never kind of like, no, we didn't even cancel one single show because if nobody turned up, then someone would be forced to go in.

I like it when they do venues in vehicles.

Did I ever tell you about the car at Gilded Balloon a few years ago?

No.

Outside the museum.

So I was working for Gilded Balloon, I was a production manager, and we had this venue that was a cast.

The cast were doing a show as the driver and passenger, and the audience would be two or three people in the back seat.

That's all they could take.

Were they actually driving this car?

No, no, stationary.

But I think the show was pretending to drive.

But it had to look a bit beaten up, right?

So I sent these guys over, I'm not going to name them, but two guys who were very young and haven't worked for the festival before, as techies or anything like that.

And we just wanted them to go and basically, it was like, do you want to take out your anger on the car?

Because the owners want you to go over there and just get some hammers and just smash up the sort of side panels and the bonnet, just a little bit, make it look a little bit like a static.

And they were like, yeah, yeah, let's fucking go.

So we sent them over there.

About an hour later, I get this phone call, a frantic phone call from the people who were putting the show on going, um, your guys have come over and smashed in all the windows.

I thought you were going to say they smashed up the wrong car.

They smashed the car up.

They smashed the car up to make it look battered, but not the window.

Not like the fucking thing had no, we went over there with a hoover up all of the broken glass.

Exactly.

And the show was on in like half an hour.

I mean, two people who cares, but I mean, it all matters, right?

So we go over there and we're hoovering up with little handheld hoovers and getting all the glass off the back seat and putting bin bags in place with gaffer tape.

It's a disaster.

Disaster.

Stupidest thing I've ever seen.

I did not want to say to them.

I was like, are you fucking joking?

I didn't tell you to do that.

I said, the last show, last time we came to Edinburgh involved the car as well.

So maybe it's an opportunity to tell that story.

Why I was happy to never come back.

Okay, so the show was about our family car.

My dad had bought it new when my mum was pregnant with me in 1968.

Dad kept the car.

Then he eventually gave it to me and I kept the car.

So eventually this car was like 40 years old.

I was emotional because of this sort of connection.

I was emotionally attached to the car and kept it and kept it.

And then eventually I got an Arts Council grant to make it into a show.

I've got it going, drove all the way to Italy where it was designed.

I met the son of the man that designed it.

Then I went all around Italy finding all the places where my dad had mentioned when he was in Italy during the war.

Then I drove all the way back.

Then I wrote the show.

Then I drove all the way up to Scotland and did it in another pop-up venue, Hunter and Darton Cafe.

Every night when I finished the show, which was another kind of performance lecture, you'd step outside and there would be the car whenever you want to get photographs.

Then on the last day, someone had stolen the car.

They actually took it to the other side of Arthur's seat that we're to look at now and set it on fire and destroyed it forever.

The worst thing was somebody said to me the next morning, it's so sad, I'm so sorry, Chris, but you do know this is going to make such a better ending to your shitty show, don't you?

That's crazy.

Anyway, I was not in a hurry to ever come back to Edinburgh ever again after that.

Yeah.

How did you get home?

Did you drive out?

Well, because again, it was a pop-up venue, everyone knew each other one.

I just got a lift back in the van that was carrying all the kit back to Essex.

It's not the first thing of yours that's been set alight, is it?

Oh, yeah.

Well, the boat I set on fire myself.

Yeah, yeah.

It was a bit of a pyrotechnic vibe.

Yeah, no, I haven't set it on fire.

You or these other people.

When I was at Art College in Hull in the late 80s, early 90s, it was my first time away from home, Art College in Hull, quite depressed me.

So I gathered all the driftwood I could find on the riverbank of the Humber and built a boat hoping that if I could get in it, I could sail away and escape from Art College in Hull.

Didn't go according to plan.

One thing led to another.

I had to be rescued by the Coast Guard, cut a very long story short.

You get a fine for that, don't you?

No, I got in trouble with the harbour master.

He gave me strict instructions.

I had to destroy it on the beach.

So that image on fire was actually me.

You were made to do that.

I didn't know that.

Well, I don't think he could have illegally, I mean, I was overawed by his uniform and his sense of authority.

I thought, yeah, I'll do it.

But also I didn't save them to bring away, what was I going to do with it?

I guess we've all got torch things.

In my show, I mentioned that when we got caught in Dublin, that I've sort of segwayed this, segwayed this, I'm fucking, what do you call it when you just fucking shove something in your show?

Just swiped it in.

Swiped, swiped, swiped.

Shoehorned it in.

Shoehorned, there we go, shoehorned.

I've forgotten all the words.

I put that with letting agent.

What was the other word I forgot this week?

I've forgotten it again, but letting agent I couldn't remember for days.

Me and Taron were talking about that for fucking two days, trying to work out, it's not a state agent, it's a, anyway.

So I shoehorned in this bit where when we get caught in Dublin, that my parents, you know, we run out of this post office and I jump in the back of the car and we zoom off and my dad turns to me and says, we've got to torch the car.

And they're just saying it's fucking like, you know, totally normal conversations with the child.

What parents says that?

And I think, I remember many times, I remember being in Deptford a year or so later and something happening with a car, I guess he was up to no good again, and I found out that he torched the car and fucked it into the Thames in Greenwich.

He loved torching cars and throwing them in the rivers and stuff.

Into the Thames on fire?

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, someone saw him do it, because I saw your father pushing a car.

A flaming car.

I mean, could you imagine doing that on a Saturday?

These were the days before everyone had a camera on their mobile phone.

This is where I get it from, because I talk about sometimes, I mention that when I got really annoyed in the 90s, I picked up my bike and I just fucked it into the Thames because I was so annoyed that the chain kept coming off.

Maybe we just got this thing about throwing things in the water.

I mean, it wasn't...

I might have got that image of that Barbara Ted sequence where Dougal does a funeral.

Yeah.

Flaminghurst in the hole.

I'll be honest, I never saw it, but I know it happened.

There was always a room of cars going and fucking set on fire or fucking dogs being fucking thrown in the river.

I don't know what was going on.

Throwing stuff in the river all the time.

Bicycles, dogs and cars.

Anyway, this is about Fringe.

Not about that.

My show.

I'll say something about how I feel, because I've got the mid, this is the midpoint, right?

It's 11 gone and 11 forward.

I think today is like, for me anyway, is the middle.

And I went from confusion to elation to losing all my mojo and essentially, I was confused whether anyone liked the show, because as Chris says, and I've had some reviews and it's very marmite, people like it or they don't get it.

And Chris has been very, very nice and given me lovely reviews.

No, Chris has been very smug about it, because I said that on day one.

Exactly, he's right.

I was pleased when I heard that your reviews for either end of the sky.

And I like that.

I mean, I got two reviews on the same day, one of which said it was basically a lot of old shit and it didn't work and I didn't understand why there was only stand up in it, which it isn't really stand up in it if you know what I'm doing.

But if you don't know what I'm doing, it's fucking confusing.

But if you get it a little bit, you can enjoy it.

And there are moments of levity to take away, to sort of give a breather to the really dark stuff.

And that's why I made it that way.

But with small audiences, if you get like I got the other day, a non-English speaker and one reviewer and a tech that was getting all the cues wrong, you've got no chance of getting that across.

So it just looks like a fucking, I want it to look, you know, what do we say?

Slapdash and a bit like not bright and hollish.

Yeah.

But I don't want it to look fucking like I don't know what I'm doing.

Do you know what I mean?

Because I do know what I'm doing.

But, so yeah, I got a four star review, which I was very happy with.

I was very grateful for that from EdFringe review.

But the very next day, I did not get a single audience member and we had to pull the show.

So that's the highs and lows of Edinburgh and the rage of just, it's weird because it feels like you're having a better time on social media and you have to constantly promote yourself, which makes me want to be sick in my own head.

I'm so sick of it.

I'm not even saying it as a bit.

I'm fucking, it's just, I can't wait for this to be over for one reason and one reason only so I can shut the fuck up about myself.

I don't want to see my stupid name or my stupid face or any of my thoughts for fucking a year.

Do you know what I mean?

Unless I'm saying, here, I've got a podcast.

It's got this person in it.

They're going to be talking about that.

I'm not going to fucking say anything about what I think about anything for what I'm going to, gaffer take my mouth shut and be fucking silent because I can't bear that promotional side of it.

It's crushing, man.

I was just having this conversation with my friend who hadn't seen for a long time.

You stand there for an hour talking and everyone's listening to you.

Get off the stage, see something you haven't seen for a few years.

How are you doing?

And then suddenly, it's like the show hasn't finished.

I just keep going.

And another thing and another thing.

I can't stop now.

Please tell me to shut up.

Well, you're like me and you're just fucking wandering around a little trying to work out whether you should go home or not.

Or fucking some bus doesn't arrive and you're freezing half to death or some cunt's got no headphones on.

You've got a long commute, haven't you?

I have, but it's just a bus.

The bus is full of, you know, I mean, I haven't yet.

I haven't gone up to anyone and said, Would you like a flyer?

Would you like to shut the fuck up now and get off your phone?

Yeah, here's a flyer.

Here's a flyer.

No, I haven't.

But yeah, I'm getting a bit feisty because I'm not, I feel quite, I've always had this feeling of being an imposter and being an outsider and all that.

I know you talk about that too.

But like never more so when I'm walking around here after my show, having done something, when I've had a good show and people have laughed and it's been well received and I know I did a good job and then you just put your normal clothes on, you walk outside and you're just sort of on your own in Edinburgh just wandering about and you know I haven't really got that many people up here or I haven't been able to meet up with anyone really.

I've had friends come but they're too busy to be out late at night, they've got lives.

So yeah, unless I'm gonna go and hang out in Aberthwa at fucking one in the morning and schmooze with famous people, which used to be appealing but has no appeal right now for some reason.

I just sort of, I bumped into Susie McCabe yesterday in the Communion.

In the middle while we were chatting, I was talking to her about it and I was saying, it's funny how like I just haven't been out yet.

She's like, oh no, fucking, if you can get home and fucking be sitting in your fucking digs by 11 o'clock in your pants, you fucking won, you know what I'm like?

I kind of feel like that.

I feel like that, yeah, yeah.

What is that?

Me, yeah, no, I'm so glad to just get back in.

I know.

I always meet someone I know, oh, I haven't seen you for 10 years, catch up, catch up.

They'll go, I actually get to the point where I, rarely happens, but I do actually reach the level where I get sick of the sound of my own voice and then go home, but I've also been ill, haven't I?

Yeah.

I mean, I thought for you, because your show is early, your show is just before one, right, so 12.40.

I mean, by the time this comes out, it'll be...

Yeah, it's a shit time.

Well, I mean, it's a shit time because you can't, in the way that you can't go out late because you...

No, no, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's good that you get it done and the day's your own, but I mean, if I'm showing your time, I just began watching shows all day.

Yeah, but yeah, well, I know I could do that, but like your friend said, he's just quite appealing to me.

I'm sitting in your path.

She's not my friend.

She's a famous Scottish comedian, but that's very nice to say.

Yeah, that person there.

Yeah, yeah, she's really cool.

But yeah, I think I am struggling a bit with that.

And also I use excuses.

I had my laptop with me yesterday, so, you know, I should get home.

You know what I mean?

I don't want to lose it.

No, that's a good point.

I've had one late night and that was when the photographer came and took some photos, none of which I particularly liked.

Have you got the Scottish Museum coming to document your show?

No, what's that?

Well, we for some reason had a request.

I think it's the museum, some museum in Edinburgh has asked permission to film our show.

That's great.

I wouldn't call it great, I'd call it really weird.

And we've got no idea why they would possibly be curious about my show and document it for posterity.

Well, they don't know anything about it.

Yeah, but I mean, it's got that vibe, right?

I have a suspicion that what's happened is that they just get, they put all the shows in a hat.

No, I don't think so.

Why would they pick my one?

Because yours is of artistic interest.

Everyone else is just spaffing on and on at the price of oligos.

Well, I've just got this horrible image in like 100 years.

It's for an archive as well.

That's the other weird thing.

Because they don't know what the show is.

I mean, my book is in the British Museum Archive.

It doesn't mean much.

It's just in case there's a nuclear war, if everyone wants to read about what I had for breakfast in 1978.

I've got this horrible idea that 100 years from now, they're going to go through that archive and go, what is this shit?

It's just this Russell Brown's bookie work.

Why is this man standing around talking about himself?

It's terrible.

Surely they had television in those days.

They could have done something better to do.

This is what I thought this morning.

We were just sitting there just before I met you, and I was looking at social media and stuff and putting it...

I saw that Terry Christian post that he did here yesterday, and I thought, oh, and then a few other ones, and then I saw some podcasts of just people yapping, people yapping, which we're doing right now, but I just thought, oh my god, close it all down.

Let's abandon everything.

I felt this morning, I was like, let's close down the podcast, never do the show again.

I need to go and work in sainsbury's and just look at my children or something.

I just seems very self-indulgent and just like we're wasting internet memory or something.

Yeah, I've got a door slammer in the room next door to me where I'm staying.

So he'll come in late, slam the door, wake you up.

Sometimes he, sometimes, sometimes, I think he's had company as well.

So that means they slam the door twice as often.

And then you're left at three o'clock in the morning, wide awake in bed with all of those thoughts going around in your head.

What have I done with my life?

Why have I, I said I would never come back to EdFringe.

No, you've got to bat those things away.

You can't have that in the night.

You've got to watch something, watch something fun, like a true crime drama or something.

Now I've got, I've got fucking drilling and banging going on in my dicks.

She's got someone in the night, sure.

No, not in the middle of the night, but yesterday morning at sort of eight o'clock, the banging sort of started in a muffled way.

And then, and then it soon began.

And I looked outside, there's a saw bench in the garden.

I went, I mean, I'm here a month.

You could warn me at least, so at least fucking don't start this shit until like at least 10 o'clock, man.

You know what we're doing.

Yeah, come on.

Play the game.

So that's a bit annoying.

Yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk.

I actually, I experienced a sort of, you ever watch it all with Sonny in Philadelphia or Kirby Enthusiastic?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have seen that.

So I had a bit of one of those moments this morning.

I felt a hundred years old and inept and stupid, as I do anyway.

I mean, I'm, what's the feeling?

So yesterday when I get zero audience, I think the techies in the front of house, people are thinking, what a fucking loser.

Do you know what I mean?

I know they're not, but that's what I think they're thinking.

And I know it and they know it and I'm a failure and they know I'm a failure.

Who is this imposter?

You know, that feel like that a little bit.

Oh, yeah, I definitely feel that.

And then today I went to...

All I know is the 1240 slot man.

From the first show of the day, he's got a way, basically the slot for the loser.

I feel like that's something, there's a big hue into that one, there's a big hue into that one, and here it's just me standing there with a fucking suitcase full of things that I want to set on fire, just like we're talking.

I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll set the fucking whole lot on fire and send it down the Firther Falls on the fucking 25th.

Looking like you're dad.

Exactly.

Take it down the river and fucking throw the lot of it.

I should shave my head.

I've had some good, I've had some, I mean, the technicians, I mean, I imagine it's very difficult to get hold of a technician during the Fringe in Edinburgh, especially anyone who can turn on a mixer desk gets a job.

Well, I don't want to speak ill of people I know, but yeah, there is, it's half and half.

Yeah, I mean, I've had some, I mean, yeah, I mean, they've been, I mean, I've not, but I mean, it's not technically demanding, and I'm not a snob, I mean, if it's a few mistakes, I don't really mind, and they've all been great.

My main thing is, you've got to be, if it kind of, if their heart's in it, it's fine, you know.

If they're interested in it, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's fine.

Also, if they're like, nervosy and twitchy and, that's the worst one because they're gonna fuck up, and that's what I had the other day.

I mean, have you had to walk off the stage and bring a fader up yourself?

No, I didn't.

I didn't do that.

I was like, well, this is gonna go wrong.

I'll just walk off stage a minute, hang on two people in the audience while I go and chat to my man at the back.

Oh, no, no, yeah, because it was the first show that you come to, whether we had no sound at all.

No sound at all.

At least I should shut up.

At least I had something.

And then the laptop just froze, didn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fucking hell.

Did we not actually go and get another laptop?

No, you did that before, I think you said.

Oh, yeah, just as we were waiting for you.

Oh, yeah, there was still the...

Oh, that was it.

The last thing the technician said to me, she says, Oh, are you nervous?

I went, what, for one person.

And as I looked at the laptop, it suddenly went black, because the battery had run out and then froze.

And then, yeah, got another one.

Oh, you're nervous.

I would have said, Oh, would you be on the desk?

Yeah, fucking hell.

Yeah.

And then the next thing was it warped the audience, which was you.

He was one of the people, right?

No.

Oh, no, no.

That was the guy I worked with.

Yeah, I know him.

Wasn't there a woman?

Oh, yeah, his girlfriend.

Oh, no, in fact, you know.

You were there.

This is just rehearsal.

That was all right.

I even had that stupid fucking headphone.

You had your Britney Spears, your Howard Jones mic, and you were getting hit and whacked on the head by a barn door of a light.

Oh, God.

Yeah, yeah, that was a bit of a bit of a...

Mike's show, right?

I mean, it was just getting the best of me.

So professional up here.

Right, the 1240 slot is basically all the important shows are on later on, and you're the 1240, you're the bottom of the list, and it was getting Kafkaesque.

So when we turned up, we didn't have a projector, because we were told not to bring one with us.

Yes.

To use one there.

Projector was.

What they didn't say was, you can use this projector, but you can't actually point it at the screen.

We're not sure that's going to work.

Anyway, so that was the first thing.

Then the second thing was the light that was at my head height, which I walked into in that show that you saw.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then, because that was sort of like, could we move this?

And I went, no.

Yes, you can, because they move one for me every night.

Yeah.

But the funny thing is, there was another, we just had another Kafkaesque moment of hilarity the day before yesterday, right?

I walked into the space to set up, because I'm thinking, I'm sure we find all these problems out now, like, not going to hit my head, there's nothing, that's it, it's all fine.

Oh, no, there was a new one.

I walked in, and they'd repainted the floor of the stage.

And I thought, it's a little bit tacky.

Oh, it wasn't dry?

Well, they thought it was dry.

Yeah, basically, I did the first bit of the show, and then I had to get off to play a film, and I was glued to the floor.

Ha ha ha ha!

I was giving fucking footprints all over the venue.

I got a black paint all under the soles of my shit.

But it wasn't even like you could hide it.

I had to kind of like, excuse me, everyone.

I'm sorry.

Really, it was like a bit of...

I mean, to be fair, it wasn't...

It's like going down Monkey Barrel Hive.

Yeah, yeah, it was like.

Thank you, man.

But yeah, it became...

The audience thought it was quite funny, so...

There was a plus in the end.

You've got to work with what you've got, haven't you?

Yeah, exactly.

I think sometimes that's fine.

And I do want to add here, I do understand we're not slagging off technical staff or anything like that because I come from that background originally, so I know what it's like to be on the other end of it.

I know what it's like to put the people in the rooms and the acts to be annoyed with them.

I know all of it.

But I know it so well that it's like fucking how what I should have done here, if I'm honest, mate, all I should have done is give me a regular wash on stage, fucking turn it on, I walk on stage, give me a thing for the iPad, I'll hit the cues.

I could have saved 600 pounds.

You know?

I mean, I did this to make it easier, so I could concentrate on stage and not have to worry about those cues being hit.

And now I think I'm worried about those cues being hit.

You know what I mean?

So it's like that.

I'm glad you did it yourself.

I know, I could have just done it.

I mean, what, my pain just for a blackout and a funny blue light?

Well, did I ever tell you this story?

I can't remember his name, I forget them all.

But he turned up on day one, this is about six years ago at Gilded Balloon, and everyone has to wear the, I've told you, I think, the hivers.

And he put it over his coat, and he had this big long coat on.

And then we had to give everyone this task to do, you go do this, you go do this, and he seemed very kind of like, I don't know, he just didn't seem like he should be there.

He actually operated shows perfectly without any problem, but he was very relaxed and kind of not really giving off the vibe.

He looked like an artist or something.

He didn't look like a man.

He should be like picking up light cases.

He didn't really.

So the task I gave him was to cut gels for all the lanterns.

Creative.

Yeah, so I gave him all this gel from White Light and gave him a pair of scissors and said, we need this size, and gave him all the sizes that we needed.

And we knew that then if he did that job, by the time we needed the gels, all the lights up, they'll be done, give him a little sit down job.

He looked like a desk jockey, right?

So I come back in our lunchtime, and I come in and there's all these massive squares of gel everywhere, like half size of a window.

And I'm like, what are you doing?

He goes, oh, did you mean centimeters?

I thought you meant inches.

I said, what do you think we're putting these on?

I like us.

They were huge.

It was unbelievable.

But I couldn't have a go at him, because I didn't know what to say.

I was like, fucking hell, mate, can you?

Well, I mean, you can probably still get quite a lot.

You just, no, centimeters or millimeters, whatever you're saying.

It was just so funny.

It's amazing how sometimes the information doesn't get converted.

And he was young.

Katie must have been picturing the light that this gel went on.

But I mean, he was young.

Why is he even thinking in inches?

I don't think in inches.

Oh, crikey, he was, oh, right.

He's like 20, like, he's probably 25 now.

Oh, my God.

It's mad.

Yeah, that was a funny one anyway.

Talking about stuff like that.

And when I, you know, maybe you're trying to get himself in your head, sort of think, well, that looks like a man who thinks in inches.

I don't think in inches.

I'm not American.

Well, he must have thought that he was projected onto you.

Exactly.

It's ages and that's what it was.

I think, I mean, I always look back at my technical.

In fact, this is one of the people, one of the texts in my room.

He probably even had to go away and convert and send them his interviews just to get a phone call.

We scoured it up.

No, but the tech I have, she asked me the other day, which I thought was a really nice thing to ask me.

It was a show she gave a shit, the one I like in there.

And she said, what do you prefer?

I think she might just said it.

What do you prefer?

Being like a tech back in the day or do you prefer being a performer now?

And I was like, at the Fringe, obviously.

And I was like, let me think.

Definitely being a performer because the hours are less and obviously, it's a fucking thankless time.

Well, both of them are thankless tasks.

But I've been stuck in a room for 13 hours and you barely get paid and you don't get any food.

And you're just in a hot box and you're trying to turn the show around in five minutes.

It can be really, really hard.

So I get all that and I do work with them on my show.

If they're running late and they want to kind of get five minutes, I'll give them five minutes off mine so they'll speed things back up.

I don't mind.

I'm fine with all that.

I don't really care.

But it was one of the best jobs I ever had, but it was just thankless and exhausting.

That's how much I still remember being a tech of the French.

This was after I performed, after my first...

You've gone the other way around.

Exactly, yeah.

That's hard.

That is hard.

Although it was just on a bus, you did think you were a star.

Yeah.

And then to come back the following year as a technician on the same bus, it was a bit...

On the same gig?

Yeah, it was a bit...

I kind of...

They offered it and I went, yeah, yeah, what?

Because my show was all about vehicles.

So these vehicles I'd made at college.

Yeah, the first job I said was, you like vehicles, don't you, Chris?

Do you want to help drive the bus back to Essex?

And the thing was, I went, yeah, I do actually.

So I helped drive the bus back.

And then the following year, it was kind of like, yeah, well, we need an extra pair of hands.

Well, we actually said, Chris, one thing we want you to do is help Mark drive the bus up to Edinburgh.

Okay, that's in 14 hours.

I think it is 17 hours.

It's mental because it only does 45 miles an hour.

It must be a very slow bus.

Yeah, Route Master bus.

And then what you could do is, well, we have this other thing.

It was called, they had the bus and a tent.

It was Luke Wright's Poetry Party.

It was.

So rewind slightly.

So you've driven a Route Master bus?

Yeah.

That's pretty cool.

On the strength of coming to Edinburgh performing on it.

That's very cool.

Did you have a little cab?

No, no.

That's pretty cool.

They gave me the, I mean, the first time.

I've got lots of stories.

Because what happened was.

In the tiny little cab.

The tiny cab on your own.

So it's a bit isolated and you're so loud as well, you can't.

You can't.

I mean, eventually, because what happened was then I've become like the regular driver because people wanted to borrow it for venues and stuff like that.

So the guy who owned it from the art center, he says, you want to have some cash, Chris?

I've got quite a funny story about the first time I drove it somewhere.

Is it rude or something?

It doesn't have to be bad French to talk about whatever.

Yeah, you tell us what the techie bit was.

I'll tell you what, I started one story.

Yeah, the techie bit.

I'll finish the first story, then I'll tell you the second one.

So as well as driving the bus up here, what he said was, we've also got a balloon, and I thought because you're practical minded, Chris, you can be in charge of the balloon, right?

It's like a big healing balloon, but we have a light in it, and what we're thinking basically, that would be the big draw, the bus, the balloon, draw people to the poetry party.

Oh great, so a big canister of helium gas, and we've bought, it cost us 700 quid, Chris, and these are all the instructions.

This guy, he owns a bus, he's not a practical person.

Just read the instructions, that's your thing.

I thought, yeah, grand, it was like, yeah, it's very simple, and whoever they'd bought it off of was like, yeah, meticulously said.

And it was a bit where you had to fill it up with the gas, so I plumb it into the gas, because that's it, if you don't get enough gas in it, the light won't come on, there's like a pressure reactor switch.

So basically you have to open the tap on the thing, and basically when it gets to a point where the balloon's so full, the pressure will then make this connection and the light will come on, and so then you send it up and it's just illuminated.

So basically, if the balloon bursts, it doesn't come down with 240 volts connected to it.

That's it.

So first you got to do is pump.

And it said in the instructions, fill it up almost to the point where you think it's going to burst.

It needs to be, so I thought, okay, so I'm reading that and I'm opening the thing, and it was like, and I just thought, no, no, I don't, and there was, I said, this is too much.

This is too much pressure.

So I turned it off.

Because I am practical and it was just all my instincts told me not to do that.

So I'm not happy about that.

That's too much pressure.

And then they said, they said, well, at the bottom of the instructions, the guy we bought it off has given his phone number and if there's any problem, ring me up.

So I thought, I'm going to ring him up.

So there was two of us.

Oh, there was me and the other guy.

He says, yeah, ring him up.

He said, okay, yeah, here's the phone, Chris.

I said, look, we've got your balloon here.

Yeah, we just bought, yeah.

And it's kind of like, I'm putting it on the garnet.

He was in a dinner party.

He was in the middle of a dinner party.

I could hear sort of glasses jingling and stuff like that.

And he said, just fill it.

Just keep going.

He said, yeah.

He said, honestly, I said, I know it says in your instructions, keep filling until you think it's about to burst.

He said, yeah, exactly that.

So basically, I rung up this guy.

I rung up this guy who said over the phone, keep going, is what he said.

Yeah.

And luckily I had a witness.

He said, yeah, keep going.

I thought, okay.

So what the phone, and I was like this.

I kind of like the balloons above my head, the tap, I'm open.

And I did, I was trying to kind of like cover one ear with my shoulder.

Bomb disposal.

Yeah.

And then open in this tap.

And then of course it just went bang.

Fucking hell.

It set the bus on fire.

But it's helium, helium gas.

It's just an enormous thing.

I just see another vehicle on fire.

And I kind of like, and I thought, fucking, why didn't, I knew that was going to happen.

But anyway, so then I dismantled it.

There was a box with all the, and this was the most annoying thing.

Like normally, I was kind of like, I'll investigate, and this is far too late.

I investigated, I did the box, and then sure enough, there was this fucking tube that was supposed to be the pressure.

It had come out, and it was all bullshit.

Should never have done it.

Anyway, so that was that.

Where did you do, where were you when you did this?

This is on the meadows.

You were in, just outside.

Just on the meadows, yeah.

I can't know, that must have scared some people.

Scared the pigeons, fucking seagulls were like.

Yeah, and then I found the rest of that festival, put it out and taken down Ferris Fencing, which was fucking impressive.

Yeah, technician job.

And I thought, and it was like basically, it was like, last year I was a star here.

Yeah, exactly.

I said, I'll probably be here next year doing some sweeping the fucking streets or something.

Last time I was here and they had some Harris Fencing, we were getting something, what was it?

It was one of the containers that was being lifted, I think, as well.

You know when you see like a slow injury happen?

Like, you know, like a lot of injuries, I always think like people think that you have to be like in the road, getting hit by a car.

Some people can really hurt themselves just walking into a door, you know.

This guy was this big sort of strong guy and he was like helping get the container on to the back of the flatbed truck and all that.

And he put all the fucking rusty hooks on, whatever the fuck it all is, hydraulics and stuff.

And he put all these tubes and then he just leaned backwards.

And as he walked backwards, there was this one big loose piece of Harry Svensson that had come out in a big point like that.

And it went straight through his cheek and out of his mouth in front of us and he pulled it out and blood kind of pumping out like a fucking horror film.

And I'd never seen anything so it was like someone just went like that.

And it was just like, mate, I hope you've had a tetanus.

That was horror.

I don't know why I'm saying this anyway.

That just reminded me of the other story about the bus.

And we got to end on something else on fire.

Someone's got to come up with another fire story.

It's quite good.

It's not quite fire, but it's...

Ah, so I drove the bus back.

Because my show, that show was about making stuff.

Anyway, I had a theater company sort of ring me up when I got back.

And it's always just such a, such a theater company.

I thought, oh, great.

Can't I meet you at the EdFringe Festival?

Oh, lovely.

And I went, brilliant, here we go.

That's what you need.

And he said, yeah, we need to new shelves put up in our office.

We want to be able to do it if you needed the money.

And I did, I went, yeah, okay, yeah, we'll come and do it.

It's like someone coming to see my show and going, oh, we really like the sound effects.

You want to do some sound effects on my show?

Yeah, exactly that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they said, I mean, we could pay a carpet table, which is quite a lot of money.

We'd rather give it to an artist who needed the money.

Yeah, all right, I'll be over.

But the other job I ended up doing after EdFringe was basically driving this stupid, stupid bus around here.

So, and the first one I had to do on my own, because like I said, when I drove it back, I drove it back, it was a, they gave me the graveyard shift.

It was like four to eight o'clock in the morning in a straight line coming down the A1.

I've never driven a bus before, you see.

And it was kind of like a delayed shock because you're sort of like, it's pitch black, pitch black, seven o'clock in the morning, the sun was coming up.

Suddenly you can see like the, with a Routemaster, you can see the big red bit of the cab disappearing off to that side.

And then you suddenly realize when you could see it and there's another seven and a half tons behind you and suddenly I thought, oh my God, I'm driving a bus.

It's all Harry Potter bus.

Anyway, so then after that, a few weeks later, the arts council wanted to borrow it and they ran after the others.

Anyway, he rings me, he says, Chris, he says, arts council want the bus.

I don't think they're offering enough money.

They want it in Manchester.

Now, I told them already, it's not enough money, but if you want 250 pound and you're prepared to drive all the way to Manchester back, you can do the job.

It's up to you entirely.

And I thought, wow, yeah, I want my 250 quid.

He says, okay, okay, I said, but you will have to give me a refresher course on how to drive it.

Because of course, at this point, I've only driven it in straight line.

You might have to teach me how to do corners.

It's so easy.

I've been getting it around in accident.

So I met him on this industrial estate in the bus.

We just both squeezed in this, like the single cab of the Roadmaster.

And he's just going, use all the road.

Use all the road, Chris.

Use all the road.

Oh, okay, got it, got it.

And then he was just, and then eventually he's, okay, right, well, there's the bus is yours.

Manchester's that way, but off you go.

So off I went up to Manchester.

And you had the relevant license for this?

Yeah, it's a bit of a...

Yeah, it's only a piece, public service vehicle if you've got passengers, you see.

So it's a really kind of ambiguous thing because it's so big, yeah, but aluminium, it's sort of, if you've got, I passed my test before 96, which means I'm technically allowed to drive up to a seven and a half time truck, which is kind of almost a bus is.

You like my motorcycle licenses before that, I can drive anything I want.

As long as I don't have passengers, you know, paying passengers, technically I'm allowed to drive it.

So yeah, I forgot.

Last thing he said to me is this, make sure they look after it.

It was like a music event.

There were going to be solo singers sitting on this bus.

And he said, but make sure they look after it.

Yeah.

So drops it off, went back to the hotel, came back and it was a bit chaotic.

It was a bit chaotic.

There was kind of like, no one was really on the door because it's like an open back.

You really need somebody there.

When we'd had it in Edinburgh, we'd always had somebody there, kind of like, you know, police and people coming off.

And I sort of said them, and as I was about to say that, there was about six guys came from nowhere.

They're off their heads on something and they just stormed on the bus.

They like took the microphone.

They were just running around.

For some reason, I'm not a bouncer, but for some reason, I felt responsible.

I rugby tackled one of them on the stairs of the bus.

And that's when I knew that, because this guy was vibrating.

I had my arms around his legs and he was on speed or something.

And then I kind of thought, well, what's he going to do up there?

There was enough.

We didn't even have any seats upstairs.

So I just let him run around.

And sure enough, he just kind of like, he was like opening the windows.

And he just eventually got bored and just go, okay, they exited this way, goodbye.

And I thought, yeah, it's not.

Why do we need to sort of like make this aggressive?

Even the only best thing you want is to get them off.

And they eventually just, they went and I kind of like made it kind of like, there was no, you know, just kind of corralled them off without it getting nasty.

Anyway, then I turned to, there was one guy on a little mixing desk for the music.

And I said, really, you're supposed to have somebody here on the door.

He said, I said, if you just stand with me here, and next time we can sort of like, you know, talk to people and say, come on.

So we should say a Rootmaster bus only has one entrance and exit on the back.

There's no front doors, there's no middle.

And there's like a pole down the middle.

So it's just one way on one way out.

Anyway, we put the last musician on, and it was really nice.

And I remember looking at the sound engineer, and we kind of thought that kind of gesture was off.

I smiled at you, I said, oh, it's really nice.

It's a really nice atmosphere.

Actually, half a dozen people, one guy and an acoustic guitar.

It was really nice.

And then as we were just enjoying that moment, the same six guys came rampaging back.

Oh, come on.

This star stopped them at the door.

Anyway, within a few seconds, they had headbutted the sound engineer, and apparently fractured his cheekbone.

And I was like, now, my only experience with dealing people up until this point was I'd done a bit of teaching.

Yeah.

So I thought the best thing to do would be to patronize them into submission.

And I said, why did you do that?

And now it was the weirdest bit.

This is the weird bit, because it was like, I was looking that way.

And then it was the pole, the chrome pole was down the middle of it.

And then there was this weird second where I just thought as if I'd licked the pole.

Yeah.

I could feel the metal from the pole on my tongue.

And then I thought, metal?

I thought, oh, iron, isn't it, and blood.

Basically, completely out of my view.

So I'd taken a direct smack in the mouth from this direction, and my mouth would fold up with blood.

And incredibly, I stayed in teacher mode.

So I turned, and I turned to this guy, and I went, and what's that gonna prove?

All six of you upstairs for detention.

And the bizarre thing was, that worked.

He was so thrown.

He was so thrown by this me standing character.

Anyway, then they backed off and left.

So, and then the police arrived, and an ambulance arrived for this other guy.

He had to go to hospital.

And by this point, I'm rummaging around underneath the stairs of the bus, because we had a first aid kit there.

Because I took, because I'd taken a smack in the mouth.

I don't get smacked very often.

I don't get into fights very often.

It's a rare case, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my tooth would like punch a hole in my mouth.

And it was like, I could feel this huge hole in there.

And I thought, oh, that's going to sting.

So I kind of thought, looking for the first aid kit to find something, a bit of cotton wool or something.

Nothing.

Anyway, so the ambulance had arrived to take the other guy away.

And so while they were there, I went to the ambulance.

I said, look, have you got something in the ambulance?

Oh, that was the funny bit.

I'm looking for the first aid kit.

And I looked across.

Suddenly, it was because we still had members of the public on the bus.

Oh, fuck.

Six members of the public, there was this fight, there's blood everywhere.

Then the police arrived.

And then the next thing is kind of like, I'm looking for a first aid kit, pulled the first aid kit, and then I suddenly realized that all these six members of the public were just looking at me, open-mouthed.

And I did this, I went, rock and roll.

So then what happened?

So nothing in the first aid kit.

I went to the ambulance driver, I said, have you got something in the ambulance?

A bit of cotton wool.

I've taken a smack in the mouth.

And the ambulance driver said, if you looked at me, he went, they've split your lip.

He said, they've split the lip on the outer side.

He said, you'd need a professional doctor, surgeon, to actually, plastic surgeon, surgeon, to sew that back together.

It's going to take a few stitches.

He said, to be honest with you, mate, you need to be in the ambulance as well.

And I turned to the ambulance man and I looked back at the bus and I went, I'm the only one allowed to drive the bus.

So I had to drive the bus to the hospital.

This is a sitcom.

I grew up in a hospital.

They have to get off, right?

Because you're allowed passengers.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I drove the bus on my own.

I got to the hospital and the police were there waiting for me.

And the police were sort of, I had some weird conversation with the police and I sort of explained it to the police about, you know, I thought I'd handled it quite well.

I didn't kind of raise the level of violence.

I was trying to, and they were, I said, what would you have done?

You're a professional, and the policeman went, Will had just ripped his head off.

Oh, right, okay.

Then I had the same conversation, the same conversation with the nurse in triage.

She said the same thing.

I was saying to her, I said, she said, what happened?

I explained what happened.

She put his fogging head off.

Yeah, I was trying to, you know, sort of like not raise the level of, I was trying to explain the theory of what I was trying to deal with the situation.

And the nurse just went, this is Manchester, dear, that doesn't work here.

We should probably say that the Manchester police probably generally don't rip people's heads off.

Oh, yeah, probably not that much.

So anyway, anyway, then I went back to, eventually went back to the hotel after I got out of A&E.

And of course now I've still got, I haven't slept at this point because I've been in A&E all night.

So I've got to drive the bus back to Essex.

So I rung up, Anthony owned the bus and I said, look, Anthony, I said, there's been a bit of a problem, bit of a frack out, I haven't had a, could you pay for a bit more in night so I can get some sleep in the, and he just went, you, what's happened?

I said, well, yes, I explained the whole thing.

He said, leave it to me, leave it to me.

Oh, and he just put the phone down on me.

And I thought, all right, okay.

Then he rung me back about 10 minutes later.

He says, Chris, it's Anthony here, I've sorted it.

I said, well, great, he said, yeah.

I've got you another 250 quid.

Basically, I'm the only artist who's had a special smack in the mouth bonus from the last round.

So I put the phone down and I remember thinking, yes, probably worth 250 quid.

But like on the other side of it, imagine like I'm annoyed with someone today or you're annoyed with someone or they do something or maybe they walk in front of you, they bump you.

Could you imagine going up to another human being and just punching them in the face and thinking, yeah, I'll be all right.

Just a random, no, no, no.

It's so strange, isn't it?

Because for me to do it, I mean, yeah, there are people I would love to punch in the face, but that's a lot of years have passed and a lot of things have happened.

Exactly.

Just a one-off, someone walked in front of me wrong.

I might call them a couple.

And even that's bad, isn't it?

Throw the C word around.

Someone's just cut you up.

I mean, I said, I think today on the Royal Marl, I definitely said the word move a couple of times.

Quite loudly, and I act like I'm swimming.

I put my arms out in front of me, as if I'm going to do a breaststroke and then I just make a little room for myself among all the fucking idiots pushing their dogs in prams and fucking dickheads in the way, and flyers flyer and a flyer.

Leave me alone.

I love it here, it's so much fun.

We should probably wrap this up.

How should we wrap this up?

I have no idea.

Any more stories of fire?

No more fire stories.

Fire, I was trying to do a really good trick on my manager director bloke the other day, because the last time I worked, I did some set design for him, and where we were staying, I accidentally didn't turn the tap off on the bloody sink, I flooded the kitchen basically.

Oh really?

Anyway, yes, I've got a bad name for doing bad things in the digs.

And then, where we're staying is kincaid Court, which is like a student residence.

Oh nice.

Yeah, and anyway, regularly the fire alarms go off, so we all have to vacate.

What time?

Night time?

No, luckily this was the middle of the day.

The important thing is, is the producer manager, he wasn't there, he was out somewhere else.

So I went downstairs and to our amazement, then the fire brigade have to come as well, they must get really pissed off.

Two grand call out, isn't it?

Exactly, yeah.

Just to come, yeah.

Yeah, so the fire brigade arrived, and I was quite pleased to hear how quickly, I thought, I took some photographs of the firemen, and started WhatsApping them to Paul, saying, have you paid a deposit on this place?

And I've saved the laptop so we can still do the show, but it was the point, and I kept him going for ages.

Yeah, but it was when I said, don't worry, I've given some flyers to the firemen.

That was when he realized that was part of his leg.

Have you got any of the firemen's information?

Because we can't tell.

That's a shame, because I do want to warn them about a very fiery suitcase that's going their way in about 11 days' time.

Forth, fourth, 25th, I'm not joking.

I did that when I first came to London.

I set fire to all my belongings in a bag.

I sort of quite like that.

It's a Japanese thing, isn't it?

Of setting fire to things and letting them...

Setting fire to the temples and stuff.

Well, just like your bad thoughts, you're writing down, you know, you set fire to things.

I'm not going to set fire to things, but I must do something, because I think if I ever do the show again in any form, it will probably have different elements in and other things removed and different props.

And, you know, I don't want to take anything home.

We've had that.

Just make them a guess, right?

Yeah.

Who cares?

What have you got there?

You've got card and laminated card.

Laminated card's an old suitcase.

That's not a very big budget, is it?

No, I did.

I did build that.

I went to a charity shop and they had a five quid suitcase.

You started with the word charity shop.

All of this from a charity shop.

I think you might spend more money storing this.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, I've got a chicken that cost a quid.

I've only done that a couple of times.

Yeah, it's a very low-fi show, should I say.

It is a disposable thing.

You're surely going to keep the wheel of fortune, though.

Nah, fuck it off.

You look like you've coloured that in by yourself.

I did colour it in by myself.

Well, surely that was worth saving.

No.

Well, carry on.

It's a disk.

How?

How much space does a disk cost to store?

Dude, if I do another version of this, it would have to be three times bigger.

It's so small.

Yeah, but that's what makes it funny.

It's fucking raggedy-ow fucking thing.

It's like, it never stops.

It's too far off the ground.

It's too far off the ground.

It never stops in time.

It looks like it's going to collapse at all times.

And when I spin it, the queue never happens.

So I guess it's all a big fucking waste of time.

Anyway, should we end with something about television?

Because it's called Television Times.

What can we talk?

What are you watching on telly?

You watching anything?

I'm not watching anything on telly.

No, because it's...

It's nothing to watch, is it?

No, no, actually, it's nothing to watch.

So you're not seeing shows, you're not watching telly.

What are you doing, yourself?

I'm looking at stuff on my laptop.

And that's where we'll end it.

No, not that sort of stuff.

No, no, no.

No, what happens is that I'm not allowed to...

When I'm with my partner, Priscilla, I'm not allowed to watch war documentaries.

Right.

Whenever I get to watch History Ball, I can watch as many episodes of World at War as I like.

You're going to go see some shows?

I might go and see one later.

We're going to see.

It was something to do with Jazz Emu?

I've seen Jazz Emu.

It was really good.

Is it?

Yeah, really good.

Really fun.

I hope his mic is a bit louder than it was when I went.

I went on Sunday.

The friend I just left, he said he's going to see that, so I might join him to go and see that.

Can you sneak in on that one for free?

It's at The Pleasants, isn't it?

I've got me some.

I wish I had a Pleasants fucking lanyard, because that's the one that gets you all the good shows.

I'm not saying my one's full of shit shows, I'm just saying the ones I want to see aren't here.

Because I don't like place.

But it's not that I don't like place.

Apparently I'm doing one.

So we could, as long as you look like one of the people...

I'm actually thinking, with the hair and everything, you might be able to get away with using Priscilla Slatty.

I thought you were going to say Richard Harry.

But you might have to lose the beard.

Not necessarily.

When's your last show?

I can't remember.

I think it's the 25th or 26th.

You're going all the way.

Yeah.

And we're trying to save as much money as possible.

It's basically show finishes, and then get in the car and go.

Not even like a day off.

Oh, you leave on the day.

Drive that bus and drive that bus back.

I'm not driving the bus that I want, thankfully.

And in fact, I'm going to be a passenger.

I'm not going to drive.

That's one good thing.

Cool, man.

Well, thanks for coming on The Pod, properly in Pearson this time.

Just to have a bit of a moan and tell me about some bus that went to Manchester.

I like it.

Root Masters.

My granddad used to drive one, you know.

And when he stopped being a bus driver, the funny thing was the family would all say that he would take these most enormous corners with his car.

Because you know, like, you have to drive, you have to sort of use all the road.

You would just drive across the road.

Like, if I could turn a Cortina into a fucking cul de sac, do you know what I mean?

It's just really funny.

He'd always do that.

There we are.

It's just full, should we say something at the end that's funny?

I don't know.

Can I think of a say?

I can't.

No refunds.

No refunds.

I'm funny down.

No refund.

So we'll just tell you again where we are.

So we're in this top floor of Surgents Hall, which is a museum stroke university.

I think lots of people are taking, retaking their exams around us right now.

Oh, the sea is looking pretty sunny.

There's a thousand sandwich ceiling seagulls flying around and the sky is blue.

And the fifth, the fifth is very, very blue also.

Although apparently it isn't blue, is it?

Because it's just reflection.

Let's call it refraction of light from the, or is the sky not blue?

What's blue?

Is the water blue?

I think it's the...

The water is blue and the sky isn't blue.

The sky is blue, but the sky isn't blue either.

The sky isn't blue because of the water.

The sky appears blue because the water reflects the sky.

But the water isn't blue either.

No, the water is clear.

Okay, this is way too confusing.

Neither of us are first in any of that knowledge.

So apparently all the blue things I'm seeing aren't blue.

And I guess Arthur's seat is probably fucking red or something.

Cool.

Thank you very much, Chris.

That was me talking to Chris Dobrowolski here, upstairs at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in Surgeons Hall in Space UK, where I'm sitting right now, a few days later, just ending this edit.

Right, now, I'm not gonna do an outro track as such, but what I'm gonna do here is I'm gonna play you a song that was made using AI for my show, Steve Otis Gunn is uncomfortable.

I just put a few keywords in and out this popped, and I've been blasting it out of a speaker ever since trying to get people to take flyers off me, which is proving to be difficult.

Here it is, this is the theme to my show, Steve Otis Gunn is uncomfortable.

Thank you, AI, for doing something positive.