Dane Simpson: From Wagga Wagga to Edinburgh Fringe - With Multiple Didgeridoos

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, screen rats, couch potatoes.

How are we all doing this week?

It's all turned a little bit sort of rainy where I live.

I don't know about you, not to talk about the weather, but it was really hot and unbearable last week, and now it's just piercing with rain outside my window.

And I had to get the umbrella out for the first time in, I don't know how long.

I bought that thing in January when I got back from Spain, and I swear I used it like once between January and May, something like that.

But today I had to get it out, so it didn't get wet, but still did the school run in shorts and t-shirt in hope of winter being abated by my clothing.

I tend to sort of, you know, wear whatever.

I just wear the same fucking stuff no matter what the weather is, you know, until it gets really cold.

Then maybe I'll put a hoodie on and it'll have to be, you know, almost Siberian for me to put a coat on.

I don't even own a winter coat at this point.

I've probably left it too late and they're probably hundreds of pounds.

So that's probably not gonna happen this year again.

Now today you're gonna hear from Dane Simpson.

He's an Australian comedian, really, really funny guy.

Great laugh.

I saw him comparing Fast Fringe at Pleasance in Edinburgh and I just kind of wanted to talk to him.

You know, I sort of made myself known at the end of the gig, gave him a flyer and said, look, you know, you're around.

He wasn't around.

He flew straight back to Australia, probably the next day, I think he said.

So we've done a remote record since then.

Now I have a lot of big episodes coming down the pipe and they're a bit longer than some of these episodes I've been putting out.

So the reason for me turning this one around nice and quick is that firstly, Dane's gonna be on The Amazing Race Australia.

And I want to get this one out in time for that.

Secondly is the really big ones I've got coming up are just, they're gonna require a lot more of my time.

And since the kids went back to school, I haven't got a lot of time.

So I'm sort of getting into the swinger thing.

So apologies for, if anyone is listening, who is a guest on this, who is expected their episode to come out by now, I get it, I get it.

If anything, it's because I hold you in such high regard that I want to take a long time to edit those long ones and get them perfect.

So, you know, the people do this all the time.

I see, you know, I've seen podcasts recorded live and sometimes it's three, four, five months before they actually hit the, what is known as airwaves, even though they're not airwaves anymore.

But you know what I mean.

So we've got some really good ones coming up as well.

That's not to demean this episode in any way.

I just had a really fun chat with Dane.

And I thought this would be a fun one just to do quickly.

We had a very short record and it was recorded at the most unearthly time, half past seven in the morning, my end, 4.30 in the afternoon, his.

So it's the only early morning one I've done like that.

So we'll see how I'm doing on the other end.

I'm probably absolutely out of my mind in tiredness.

But yes, this is Dane Simpson.

Let's get straight into the episode this week.

I got nothing.

I want to get off my chest.

Yeah, let's just get into it.

I was all set to start then, wasn't I?

But then something came up in the news, which I just have to discuss ever so slightly and carefully.

Well, well, well, there's going to be a few films taken down from Netflix, aren't there?

Well, Saturday night, we saw a TV show, like no other, Dispatches, a Channel 4 sort of news show, which revealed the question that a lot of people had on their lips for quite a while.

Who is the well-known open secret comedian?

Hmm, well, I'm not going to even say his name, but he's already put a video out to say it's not him, which is very fucking un-clever, right?

To say it's not me, the thing that, come on, dude, everyone knows it's him.

It's been an open secret backstage for years.

I've heard his name banded around for quite a while now.

Everyone knows, even on this podcast, I've had to cut out huge sections where people have named and shamed him and others.

And I can't put it up for legal reasons.

By the time this comes out, he would have denied it.

His little fucking cult following online will get behind him and pretend he's some kind of fucking Messiah, which he thinks he is.

This little fucker fucking grew up a few years after me in the same streets as me in Dagenham, by the way.

I used to watch him, used to listen to him, was a fan of the radio shows back in the day.

Thought he was really clever.

Fucking destroyed one of my favorite Friday night TV shows by dragging someone into that.

And I just, I have no time for him now.

Think he's an absolute prick.

And his book should fucking all just be going in skips right now.

And there's gonna be some kids movies that he's been in that are just gonna get taken down, as I said.

Anyway, let's see how this all pans out, I guess, right?

But these open secret things, no one knows what to do.

I mean, it's all very well, like the BBC thing from the 70s and all that people were complicit.

But you know, I worked in theater for over 20 years.

And I saw multiple occasions where young boys were taken to various actors dressing rooms led there by the company manager often, many times.

I never understood why the Me Too thing and further than Me Too, because it involves boys as well.

Let's not forget that.

How come that didn't extend to theater and music?

All of it.

I mean, Jesus Christ, if they ever knew what went on backstage, they'd have closed it all down years ago.

Trust me.

There's a guy who used to grab my fucking balls and call me cuntsy.

All right.

That's what he used to do.

And this fucker is going to be on an Australian reality TV show in a couple of weeks time.

I mean, these fuckers never go away and they always seem to get away with it.

Now grabbing my balls, I don't know what that is.

Is it under the current climate?

God knows.

There's nothing I enjoyed and I fucking hated it.

And when he left the show, I was really, really fucking happy because the person who replaced him was an absolute star and lovely and really nice to me.

You know, but yeah, I didn't enjoy that.

And there's, in the whole of that world, there's all kinds of things that go on and we all know about it and we say fucking nothing.

Everyone's complicit.

We all are, right?

In almost every job, someone's known someone that's done something.

And comedy is no different.

As soon as I got into that world, I started asking the question backstage, who is it?

And one of the names I already knew because I'd already put in a complaint myself about him because he touched one of my fellow workers inappropriately and I had to make a formal complaint.

And I was given the fucking brush off by the management saying, well, you know, we can't do anything about it because you know, he is who he is and blah, blah, blah, blah.

I was astounded, astounded.

And everyone knows who this is.

This is the second name on the list.

Anyway, we should all be ashamed, I guess.

And I hope the fucker really fucking falls from a great height and he'll do the whole conspiracy theory.

Oh, poor, poor, pitiful me.

They're coming out for me.

The mainstream media, as if it's a fucking real thing that all gets together at night like the fucking Illuminati.

He's a fucking prick.

Don't listen to his big words and his stupid bollocks.

Everyone knows.

Anyway, bye-bye, knobhead.

Why don't you take your use of the word baroque, stick it in a glass with some fucking baroque and choke on it, you fucking bellend.

Welcome to Television Times, a new podcast with your host, me, Steve Otis Gunn.

We'll be discussing television in all its glorious forms.

From my childhood, your childhood, the last 10 years, even what's on right now.

So join me as I talk to people you do know and people you don't about what scared them, what inspired them and what made them laugh and cry here on Television Times.

How have you been, my brother?

Yeah, I'm all right, man.

All right, all right.

It's a long time since Edinburgh.

Yeah, absolutely.

How are you recovering from it?

I know you left, when did you go?

Yeah, midway through.

I had to film a show, so that's coming out next week, which will be really cool.

Excellent.

But yeah, I don't know, seeing people's posts and stuff, it feels like forever ago, like almost even last year.

So what a nut bag, I think, opportunity, but also like just a place to be in at the time.

How many times have you been to Edinburgh?

So I went there last year as a reconnaissance sort of mission, checking out the place, getting a few spots here and there, and trying to understand that UK humor, maybe, or do these jokes sort of work and all the type of stuff, so that this year when we went with a solo show, I could just hit the ground running, get straight into it.

How was it for you?

It was amazing.

It was everything about it was just next level.

I'm so glad that I did do that prep work, but in saying that too, like everything went amazing.

The shows were close to selling out, or we sold out like heaps of shows, and then the other ones we would may as well have.

And then those last two weeks, if I would have stayed, we would have sold out every night.

The vibe was very positive, I found.

Like, as soon as I got there, I just became incredibly happy.

I mean, I was just there recording podcasts and seeing shows and meeting people like yourself, but it was just great to be up there again and feel that vibe.

And I haven't felt that since about 2018, I think, to be honest with you, even with the insane costs.

I mean, after day two, I'm sort of shouting about the price of a sandwich, but you know, if I get £8.50 for a toastie or whatever it is, it's a bit nuts, all that.

And like, I'm feeling it because it's double, so...

Yeah, you're getting Brexit.

You're slightly better off than...

What is it now?

What's the exchange rate?

It was double.

It was literally, I was getting 50 cents for the dollar.

How much is that points?

Yeah.

$14.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was that.

I was like, did I just pay $12 for a bottle of Coke?

Like...

Probably did.

What is going on?

Yeah, I don't know how they're going to solve that problem.

There's a lot of people talking about that, but I think that's just the way it's going to go and people probably accept it like they're going to the cinema or the airport or Disneyland or something.

Just that's what it costs.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, just for a whole month, I'm just paying Disneyland costs.

Exactly.

For yourself.

Luckily, my digs were really far away, like an hour away.

Hell of a lot of traveling, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

You're going to see a midnight show and you're trying to get a bus at 2 a.m.

and you get back at 3 a.m.

and you're trying to get to sleep and you've got, you know, but you must have been doing loads of, because you did Fast Fringe, you're doing other spots and other places and doing lots of other shows.

Hates them.

I think on average I was doing roughly about 3 gigs a day and that were all very different times.

But particularly my show being at 1030 at night was really putting me out.

So maybe I have a beer at the end of the show, have a bit of a like a wind down, run into somebody at the bar and then probably, you know, it's half past midnight and then going home.

Whereas when you're starting at half past 11 or midnight, it's now four in the morning.

And you're like, I should be in bed.

But also, Australian time.

So it's, I don't know, Edinburgh is the land that time forgot for me.

I just lived in no man's land.

It was too late or too early for Australia.

It was too late or too early for Edinburgh.

So I didn't get jet lagged.

I just was on a wrong time zone for everyone.

The whole time.

How long after flying to Edinburgh did you actually have a show?

So we flew in on a Thursday to London.

Stayed in London till the Sunday.

Went to Edinburgh.

It sounds like a Craig Davidson song.

Edinburgh on the Monday.

Weekend in London.

Also nice and cheap.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

And we stayed near Kings Cross Station too, which is just, I didn't realize, but that just skyrockets your...

Used to be more like Sydney's Kings Cross, but not anymore.

It's a whole nother level.

Yeah, I like.

And there's a foot around the bed.

You had room around the bed.

That was nutbags to me.

Fall off the bed and hit the wall.

Kings Cross is an absolute shithole.

Not long ago.

Seriously, dude.

20 years ago, it was an absolute dump.

It was just junkies and fucking three-legged dogs.

But now it's like, I don't know, it's like some kind of new city.

That station had like a whole like 70s plastic sort of facade on the front of it.

So it looks shit.

And they tore it all off to reveal that beautiful old, you know, brick arch building from I don't know when.

I can't guess 100 years ago.

Yeah.

I'll put it in.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Now it's stunning up there.

Absolutely stunning.

It's beautiful.

Kings Cross railway station was built between 1851 and 1852.

Then in the 1970s, a temporary structure was built out front, which stayed up until 2012.

And everyone hated it, including me.

I did see a guy who I'm assuming stole beers from one of the, like a bottle around, around Kings Cross station somewhere there.

I absolutely love how Australians put O's on the ends of everything.

Steve-O, the Savo, bottle-O is a new one for me.

I know in Australia, they call off-license bottle shops.

So I'm assuming that's where this derives.

And the reason why I say that I think he stole them is because he was wearing a jacket and the beers were stored into the back of his jacket.

And I mean, like, yeah, he had like compartments.

And it was like, I reckon he had, you know, if you're going to steal beers, I reckon six.

And then that way you're not clanging about that this guy, he easily had 18.

And I was just like, and he's like, bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop.

And he's like walking down the street.

That's amazing.

Absolutely.

So he built it like a Marie Kondo kind of sock thing that you hang in your wardrobe.

He's got it as a fucking coat full of beers.

In the back, like in that back bit, like in the tail of his coat.

And then he bought a six pack, I'm assuming bought because he was carrying a six pack.

And then he went behind the bins and like a cheeky Superman going back into Clark Kent, took off the jacket, tucked that behind the bins and then took his little six pack around.

So I think that that was like his little squirrel nest.

He stored his nuts and then was off.

No, I reckon he was coming back to them.

Alright, so it's just his own little personal stash.

Yeah, and me because I watched him do it and then watched him walk off.

So thanks for sharing those free beers with me, legend.

I think the only thing I ever found in any kind of nook and cranny in King's Cross was as a child, I still have a memory of finding your first porn mag and that's where it was.

It was literally in a fucking hedge opposite King's Cross station.

Was it in a bush?

It was in a bush.

It was actually in a bush.

It's a bush.

And it was a collection.

So bush.

And it was everything at once.

It was like, it was all the things you could imagine in one go.

So this is sticking a USB in my brain.

This is phenomenal.

That is crazy to me because in Australia, I'm slowly finding that bush porn was really the biggest way for young people to find porn.

Like back in the day, it just was hidden in a bush and there was so much, so much of it, a collection of it.

Like exactly what you're saying.

Like a storage of magazines that someone's just gone and here to the bush, you shall go.

I mean, were they were they putting them there for other people or was it again?

Was it?

This is a very strange topic.

Was it for their own personal consumption?

I don't, I don't know.

Those libraries they have now.

A library, a book swap, was it a dress swap?

Was that the thing?

It was always a bush.

I don't understand.

But yeah, in like little country towns where like where I'm from, you would like jump on a motorbike, go for a little cruise and you're on the outskirts of town and you would come across a bush and it would have these magazines in that bush and it just blows my mind that that's worldly because you go to a city like London and you're like, oh, there's no bushes around.

We found one.

And it's near King's Cross Station.

Of course it is.

Of course it is.

And here's the bush that we have.

In the middle of the city.

To be honest, I think...

That is blow blowing to me.

I'm pretty sure I heard it referenced in reservation dogs as well in a recent episode where the older guys were talking about bush porn.

I think they even called it that.

So it might even be in Native American culture as well.

I think it's everywhere, man.

It's absolutely everywhere.

This is worldwide.

We're under a conspiracy here.

Don't go and have sex with this.

This is amazing.

So where would it be in Edinburgh?

Fucking right in Georgia Square.

Stuck to the ticket office.

There's a bush somewhere.

Some would say the posters.

I've got some questions.

This is a podcast about television, but I got a couple of questions first.

Right, now, the town you live in, I don't think I've been there.

I've certainly passed very close to it.

Now, I'm apprehensive about my pronunciation, and you can probably understand why.

It's spelled different than it sounds, right?

Yes, yeah, absolutely.

Am I helping you, or should you give it a crack first, and then I'll...

I called it Wagga Wagga, and apparently it's not that.

And...

No.

What was it?

And that's 100% how it's spelled, but it's pronounced Wagga Wagga.

Yeah, that's tricky for me to say.

It's...

That means something else over here when I was a kid, and I'm not entirely comfortable with that.

It does sound like it comes from Krusty the Clown School, you know?

Like when it's like, funny places, Wagga Wagga, walla walla.

It derives obviously from Aboriginal language.

Here in Wagga Wagga, so the Baradjuri people are the traditional custodians.

It sort of has two meanings in a way.

As I was growing up, the Wagga Wagga City Council has adopted this belief that it comes from a bastardized version of wagon, which means crow in Baradjuri language.

And to say it twice pluralizes, so crows, many crows.

And so Place of Many Crows is what the paperwork said on the Wagga Wagga City Council for a good maybe 40 years.

But now, recently, one of the elders, one of the big Aboriginal people that have been pushing about the language actually created a Raradjuri dictionary, which is pretty cool.

He's been saying that Wagga Wagga actually means to dance intoxicatedly with the spirits.

That's better.

So yeah, a place of celebration.

So I think today it's less by any spirits and more Bacardi.

That's where I live, my traditional people.

So being an Aboriginal man, I'm more Northwest from a place called Walgett.

Yeah, I was looking at that and I thought, oh, he's just moved down the road.

And I go, of course, Australia, no, seven and a half hours.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

And Gamilaroi people is my traditional people.

But I've lived here for over 30 years and it's a lot of the traditional customs and stuff I've sort of like learned.

And I love knowing about that type of stuff.

I think it's really fun and really, I don't know, I feel a little bit like it's respectful.

Yeah, it's important.

And also to hand down to others and keep it going.

Don't let it die out.

One of the few things I did when I was first time I ever went to Sydney, actually, I went on a, it was weird.

It was in Sydney Botanic Gardens.

I went on an Aboriginal, like horticultural walk.

I still remember what that guy told me, like just about plants.

Blew my mind a little bit, you know, just in the middle of the city.

Yeah, right?

It's real cool.

Very cool.

It's like magic.

Yeah, I've only been to Australia twice.

I've only been to Australia twice.

That's quite good for an English person.

But, you know, I've been there for a long time and I really, really fucking miss it.

And I think that's why I watch so much Australian television.

Some of it's shit, but I'm really into watching Australian versions of things.

I just, we're currently watching like Aussie traitors, you know, things like that.

I just love all that silly stuff.

We are very good at making shows shit.

And I love it.

Yeah, me too.

Oh, that's the thing is that we do make another show, but we will insert like this weirdo from the bush who doesn't talk to any human being for like 30 years.

And then we whack a camera in front of him and go, what have you got to say about this issue, mate?

And they're like, yeah, the pigs will get us.

There was a guy on maths last year and he just lived like, he kept saying things like, yeah, I got a Darwin, I'll get in the car and I go for like six hours and then I walk another three and that's where I live with my dog.

And I'm like, this fucker's not gonna settle down.

And then the woman, they give him like a real glam woman from like Perth or something.

And she's like, are you willing to move for love?

And he's like, yeah.

And I'm thinking, no, are you willing to move in the middle of crocodile country and live with him in the middle of the river?

I don't think so.

It's brilliant.

That's exactly it.

Like, yeah, this guy doesn't even catch a flight.

You know, like he probably drove to Melbourne to film the show all the way from Darwin or something stupid.

It's like the distances of the couples they put together in those shows is hilarious because it's like the British one.

As if you had someone who lived in Scotland and someone that lived in Prague and they're trying to work it out.

Yeah.

Oh, we really kicked it off, but we live 13 hours away.

I just, and like, and sometimes I do it and it's two planes, which doesn't make sense.

If it's more than one plane, it's not going to work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, because I think that's like even four planes to get there.

But there was one woman, she was great.

She was so like positively racist.

So I don't remember her name, but there's this older lady and she she got this like little Irish looking guy from Tasmania or something.

She went, I asked for someone from the islands.

I wanted someone from the islands.

I'm like, you can't order someone from the islands.

She kept banging on about it for a whole season.

And this little guy is going, well, I'm just a short one guy.

This is not going to work out.

It's one of those things where I'm like, I like him.

But does it come in brown?

It's ridiculous.

When I put season two on, I was really surprised that there was no Indian contestants, there was no one of Asian descent, there certainly wasn't anyone who was Aboriginal.

I mean, what the fuck is going on?

So weird, the casting.

I don't think they do that here anymore.

They'd be pulled off the air for lack of diversity.

And that's the thing.

I think it's all to do with the casting.

It's not like they're not around.

Yeah, there's so many people of all these diverse backgrounds, but in saying that too, I think we're in a position where people want to see diversity these days.

So there's no real reason why people aren't being cast.

How can there not be like one contestant?

It doesn't make sense.

It just doesn't feel like a true representation of modern Australia to me.

No.

I mean, of course, if it just accidentally goes that way, I get it.

And don't just have one of each, like a Benetton advert to try and make out your call.

Yeah, yeah.

But fucking hell, you can't all be white apart from one.

That's ridiculous.

It blows my mind to particularly like getting into the world of like being cast in these shows or being on some of the shows is that they won't take more than one.

So like, oh, hey, I wouldn't mind being on that show.

Oh, we've already got an Aboriginal.

So we'll have a look at something.

It's like women on panel shows 10 years ago here.

Oh, you got a woman on, you can't get up to you.

We've already got one.

What are you looking for?

We've already got one.

That's fucked up.

What show are you filming right now, Dane?

Are you allowed to say?

Oh, we just finished filming The Amazing Race, Celebrity Amazing Race, which was incredible.

And that's going to be coming out very, very soon.

And then I was filming another show, which will be coming out hopefully in a week or so.

It's Thank God You're Here.

Thank God You're Here.

Have you ever seen that?

No, what's that about?

Well, I got on the list of shows to check out.

Okay, well.

It's one of my favorites actually.

And it's, I think it's one of our top rated shows.

A person walks into a situation just full of improv actors.

They already have the situation mapped out.

So they, it might be you're a kid in school and you're being caught smoking or whatever it is.

And you've got to walk into the situation.

You're being yelled at by the principal of the school.

And then a police officer comes in and then you've got to, and you know nothing about the whole situation.

You're walking in, you're dressed as a school kid.

They literally dress you five minutes before you walk into the situation and then boom.

All right.

And then it's just your reaction to the whole situation is what the audience dig.

So it's a lot of improv.

Yes, yes.

We had a show here called Murder and Successful with Tom Davis, which I think is, because there's one in America just called Successful.

It is.

It's that kind of new thing, isn't it?

It's like murder mystery almost, but live with famous people trying to work it out.

In real time, yeah.

If you've got people doing impressions as well, playing characters.

Yeah, I love that show.

That's such a, I think you guys did it so well, like it was, and that's the original.

And Will Arnett, I love.

So when that came out, I loved watching it.

I feel like they dumbed it down a little bit for the first season.

Hopefully season two will be.

Yeah, I did stop watching that, cause I like all the people.

It just felt, sometimes things just feel too American.

Like going back to like the reality shows we were sort of talking about, like we can't watch the American ones.

Like my wife lived there.

She's Canadian and she lived in America, but like, she just can't do it.

It's just too fucking bright and shiny and glitzy.

And it's all about, they just push that fame a bit much.

Whereas like, I think when you get someone like in an Australian one, they sort of beat them down a bit.

You know what I mean?

They'll get some glam person throwing SAS at Middleton, or call her a cunt and throw her in the river.

That's exactly it.

Two minutes later, you know what I mean?

You know, Lord Sugar's shouting on The Apprentice, going, fuck off.

And you're like, oh, we're not used to this.

We want to be treated with respect.

I must prefer that.

That's exactly, I think Australians will walk out and go, oh, I'm the greatest.

And then every other person will go, you're shit, I'll vote you out.

Whereas an American will walk out and they're expected to be like, I'm the best.

And everyone's like, oh, that person's the best.

And then they get to stay.

But we have such a tall poppy syndrome in Australia where we're like, nah, mate, calm down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or you'll be out.

I just feel that the American ones, they keep people in for good telly.

They do that a little bit with Aussie stuff like maths, but you just know that the producer's in their ear, you know, going, we'll keep this one.

No matter what, she's good telly.

That's very true.

Someone's got to smash the glass and start fighting.

Someone needs wine in their face.

Yeah, in the wine country, everyone's supposed to be having a nice time.

A glass gets smashed, someone starts calling each other names and yeah, it gets, well, it gets bitchy, let's say that.

They push people into these situations, don't they?

Absolutely.

Anyway, don't know where I went there.

Sorry, Dane, I went all over the place.

I've got to check one thing before I actually ask you a couple of questions about television at the end.

Is this just a wind up?

It says on your website, or I think it's your website, it says, Dane's dad holds the Wagga Wagga record for most finger clicks in a minute and owns a Judo with Michael Jackson inscribed on it.

Is that right?

Is that real?

Yeah, yeah, okay.

You need to unpack that and explain.

Taking the two, okay, so the first one, it is in a way sort of taking the piss, but we were at the pub and my dad can click really fast and really loud.

He can, you know, like wipe out by the Beach Boys.

Yeah, yeah, ding, ding, ding.

He can click that.

And not just, but he can, like really fast, really loud.

That's pretty impressive.

It's really impressive.

And then we were at the pub and then somebody was like, Oh, I could click that.

And then they were trying to and it couldn't.

And then it just turned into, if you can beat my dad at clicking, I'll buy you a beer.

And everyone could not beat him.

And so then just as a collective, we just declared dad the fastest finger clicker in the whole of water.

How do you keep your fingers going?

Do you put olive oil on them or something?

Apparently he used to walk around as a kid.

I mean, that's impressive what you're doing.

I can't do any of that.

You know what?

That's from taking the piss out of it.

Like, that's genuinely, I go, Oh, you see my dad?

I've become good.

That's not me with beatboxing.

I used to do, I used to go around and do like, like take impressions of a Casio keyboard.

I do the filling button and then you get good at it.

That's really good.

That is really good.

But that was bad.

That was like so zacked to that keyboard.

I remember that.

Finger position.

It's a Casio MT-100.

So good.

Anyway, so back to your dance ditch.

Michael Jackson, the one that.

That one.

My dad's an absolute idiot.

Some people come to my show.

And then particularly I brought this to the Edinburgh show.

The actual didgeridoo itself.

I love that travel one.

My God, it's beautiful.

Yeah.

I talk about that in the show as well.

So some work colleagues gave that to me, which is really, really cool.

But I don't know much about it.

I only know that obviously it was just a gift.

But I think somebody made it more as an ornament sort of thing.

But it sounds incredible.

So yeah, that's why I play it.

And that's one of four didgeridoos that are in the show.

I've got my actual didgeridoo that I play.

That sounds great.

I've got a didgeridoo that sort of is half cooked.

Like while I was making it, it's not quite fully made.

And I keep it that way because it's a good way to show people the steps in how you make a didgeridoo.

And it's about halfway there.

And the other didgeridoo is the Michael Jackson didgeridoo, which is my dad went out one day and he had a didgeridoo and he's like, I'm going to get this artist to paint it.

And I was like, that's really cool.

And when he said, I'm going to do something contemporary, his favorite artist, like his favorite act is Elvis Presley.

And I thought he's going to come back and it's going to have Elvis on it.

And it came back and he had, it's got about 15 Michael Jacksons on it in various stages of his career.

It's strange to say the least.

A couple of arcades on the back, Woody Allen on the front, Bill Cosby underneath.

Like, you know, like it's so weird.

And he's like, oh, that's worth money.

And I'm like, I don't think so.

I think you devalued it to tell you the truth.

And he's like, oh, no, no, no, I love it.

And here's the thing.

It's well done.

It looks incredible.

And it's beautifully painted.

And the guy that paints it, he goes by Bill Wallace.

But his name is obviously William Wallace, which I find incredibly funny that I brought that didgeridoo to Edinburgh.

I'm playing this didgeridoo in Scotland.

So has it got the pale?

Has it got the really scary pale Michael Jackson on there as well?

No, it doesn't.

All the Michaels are brown or darker sort of thing.

So it's of that era of Michael, which my dad says, I was like, dude, Michael did some things that you don't know about.

And he goes, no, I do know about him.

But he did that shit when he was white.

And that's Scott Brown Michaels on there.

That's dad, the logic for you.

He'll weasel his way out of it.

He told me that Bruce Lee was Aboriginal once.

And I'm like, I don't think so, dad.

I'm pretty sure he's born and bred in China.

Of course, I know that Bruce Lee was born in Hong Kong, everybody does, but come on, it's been part of China for over 25 years now, it's an easy mistake to make.

And it's the way it is, whether we like it or not.

So calm down, everyone.

I do want to ask you very quickly, how the fuck did you travel with all those Didgeridoos?

Must have cost a fortune, because I bought one in 1999, had it shipped back to the UK, and it cost me a mint.

Not with Qantas, so Qantas have a rule with musical instruments.

I thought you were going to say Qantas had a Didgeridoo cupboard on the plane.

That would be fucking amazing.

I wish they did, and for a good solid year, two years, where I've been performing this show around Australia, sometimes they'd let me on the plane, sometimes they won't, and I ended up tweeting about it, and Qantas sent me a tweet, or they sent me an email and said, hey, you can take a Didgeridoo for free from now on, you've just got to let us know what flight you're going to be on, and yes.

Wow, I love Qantas, I can't imagine BA or Virgin being like that chilled about such things.

Just in case we get future sponsorship from either of those companies, I'm not bad-mouthing you, I like all those airlines.

I just think we're a little bit more red tapey in the UK.

Anyway, I'm going to ask you a couple of TV questions at the end to round this up, to actually make it into a TV podcast.

We have talked about Telly, haven't we?

We have a little bit.

Absolutely.

Okay, let's start with this one.

What's the first thing you remember seeing on TV?

The first thing that I ever seen on TV, I think, was a TV show called Rage, which is a music, sort of like MTV here in Australia, on our ABC, Australian Broadcasting Corporation.

And I loved it.

I fell in love with it.

I do love it to this day.

And my dream is to host Rage.

What's the premise of it?

They just show music videos.

So the videos, but to host it would be like, you get to choose which music videos to show and which ones are inspiring, you tell a little story.

I used to be a DJ back in the day.

And yeah, I loved this show.

So it was one of my favorite.

And I use it in a lot of, like I've got a late night game show that we play when I go to some festivals.

Yeah.

And I have a spot in it called Silent Rage, which is, I used to sneak out into the lounge room and watch, but my mom would be asleep in the bedroom just off from the lounge room.

So I'd have to turn the music all the way down.

But I've just loved watching the visual effects.

And if you can guess the song and the artist just based on the music video, I'll give you points in the game show.

That's nice.

Sounds like a round that would be in Nevermind the Buscocks over here, something like that.

Yeah, yeah, that would be really cool.

Yeah, cause you know, when they do the snippets, you probably do it in one of your quizzes, but like we do the, just the snippet of music, like a second and you can hear it.

It's like, oh, I know what that is.

From a snare, from a, from a, yeah, it's a trumpet.

Phil Collins.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Exactly.

All right, I'll ask you a different one.

Who was the first person or character on television that made you feel fuzzy in your loins?

Ooh, Ranger Stacey was pretty big.

She was on a cartoon TV show that was in the mornings.

Ranger Stacey is a lot like a Steve Irwin sort of character that we had back in the day.

Is this a human woman or a cartoon?

She just presented.

A human woman.

A human woman.

Yeah, she would come out and talk about like animals and stuff like, she'd come from the zoo and maybe have like some kind of...

Some snakes.

Yeah, snakes, yeah.

And would show them and teach you about them.

There was, Agro's Cartoon Connection was the name of the TV show.

Nice, that's very interesting.

And Agro was a little puppet.

It's gotta have an O on it, Agro.

Of course it's got an O on it, yeah, Agro.

Agro and the other.

He was a menace.

Yeah.

He was a little menace muppet.

Yeah.

I think, quite literally, I think he was made from the animal puppet, the muppet, the animal.

I think they just pulled stuff off him and maybe added a nose or something, but he looks very similar.

Yeah, and he was a menace.

He would say things very borderline, like I've watched his YouTube today, like I've watched episodes back and yeah, he's gone completely over the line at times, where as kids, we did not.

Yeah.

We just thought he was being a bit cheeky and a bit silly, but he was a menace.

Yeah, so that was really fun, but Ranger Stacey.

And also I was around with Pamela Anderson was doing Valerie Irons Private Investigator.

So the VIP show that Pamela Anderson was in.

Vague recollections of that.

Yeah.

So that was obviously.

You've got very clear recollections of that, obviously.

Absolutely.

My favorite episode.

Did you see the biopic of Lily James playing her in that biopic with Sebastian Stan?

No, I didn't watch it.

It was really, really good.

Yeah, everyone says it was really good.

It's on my phone as saved in my, is it Netflix or whatever, to watch.

I mean, you definitely like it.

Yeah, yeah.

I watch a lot of these series when I'm, because I'm traveling around the country so often.

Yeah, I save them on my phone.

And then when we're on a flight or whatever, I try and watch them in a row or binge them.

Yeah, that's a good show.

What was the film she did that was really bad, that had all the money behind it in the world and it was supposed to be like the big.

That's it, barbed wire.

There you go.

I forgot.

That does get mentioned in the show.

Yeah, that's it.

We'll not talk about that.

Obviously.

We'll talk about films on it.

We do this.

I'll keep this short now because I'm sorry.

I talked to you for ages, but I've got to go and do this school run.

I will ask you one more TV show question.

Let's think.

I've got some new ones.

I want to ask you one of the new ones.

If you could for 24 hours embody the actual character from a TV show, you could actually be that person and live in their body and be that for 24 hours.

Who would it be?

Oh, I love that.

Who was a major influence that I really loved?

I loved, like He-Man was cool back in the day.

And I think there's not much difference between He-Man and his alter ego.

Adam.

Is he saying Adam Prince?

Adam, I think he said was Adam.

Is it Adam something?

It's a bit biblical, I think.

I think it is too.

Or even like the Ninja Turtles were pretty cool.

I think Donatello was my favorite.

So yeah, I reckon that maybe Donatello.

I reckon I wouldn't mind living in that world, in that body.

Being an actual turtle.

Yeah.

And trying to figure your way out through.

Is it New York City that they live in?

I think it is.

It is or is it one of those kind of Superman things where it's not, but it is.

I'm not sure.

I think it is New York.

I think I'm just going off the movie as well.

I think that they do.

Which one of the 17 movies?

It's just come out again, isn't it?

Not a Metropolis.

Yeah, not Metropolis.

The very first movie that I ever watched, is The Ninja Turtles.

So that's...

The original one.

Yeah.

The very first one.

The cartoon was just phenomenal to me.

And I was at that bright age bracket where I ran home from school.

I think our bus pulled up at like the corner of the block at maybe 420.

And it was a good 20 minute walk from the bus to my house.

Yeah.

But the cartoon came on at 430.

So we would like run off the bus and just bolt home.

That is one of my other questions.

It's like, what TV show did you run home to see?

So it's a double, because obviously it was scheduled.

You had to get there.

There was no...

I guess you could tape it.

Well, yeah, I don't think we had a VHS back then.

I don't think we could have taped it.

And Tin Tin, I absolutely loved that.

I think I was getting up first thing in the morning to watch it.

But it was such a really cool investigative sort of show.

And it was...

It's that age bracket that was coming out where I was starting to get a bit older and I was more interested in not as sort of dumbed down cartoons.

I was still interested in cartoons, but not the...

I started to get a little bit more progressive.

Yeah, I understand.

Tin Tin, that's the old Belgian cartoon.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm off to Belgium very soon.

Tin Tin everywhere over there.

Tin Tin and Smurfs.

That's their two, isn't it?

Or Smurfs Dutch?

Come on, one or the other.

It's basically Avatar.

Smurfs used to scare me.

Gargamel was like scary as I was a kid.

I think, yeah.

And do you have Stay Away from That Trap Door?

Is that a TV show?

Yeah, it's a TV show.

And I'm pretty sure it's from the UK because I think it was more, what do you call it?

Stop-go animation.

Oh, right, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, so probably from Bristol.

Yeah.

Yeah, that stuff can be really creepy though, as Guillermo del Toro shows us.

That can really creep you out.

A lot of that stuff, when I was a kid, it was all little.

Even if it wasn't stop motion, it was kind of, the frame rate was off, you know what I mean?

And it made it look, could peak up than it should, because it wasn't moving smoothly.

Absolutely.

Yeah, I didn't like that stuff at all.

Puddle Lane was another scary sort of show.

Yeah, it was very, check them out.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom was the, was a song that he sang when he was making potions.

I will look at that.

Okay, Dane, well, thank you so much for coming on Television Times.

I really appreciate it.

Is there anything you would like to plug?

Well, the Didgeridoozy, if anybody wants to check out the show and the Didgeridoo, you can on Paramount+.

That is my special out on that.

If you've got a cheeky way of doing it, you can go on Tenplay.

You can watch it for free if you don't have Paramount+.

And then yeah, and the Didgeridoos in there as well.

And my little cheeky appearance from my dad, if people wanted to have a look at him.

Oh really?

And yeah, Edinburgh next year, please.

Get some tickets, come along.

I've marked new shows called Always Was, Always Will Be Funny.

And yeah, just follow me along social media.

I'll definitely be there.

I'll be there to see the full show next year for sure, Dane.

Alright man, I'll see you there.

Thank you so much for coming on.

I'll let you know when this is coming out.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

See you man.

Bye Dane.

See ya.

I'll stop recording.

Alright, you've got to head off.

That was Dane Simpson there.

Dane Simpson, Australian comedian.

You can catch him on The Amazing Race, the celebrity version, which is available now in Australia on channel 10, I think he mentioned.

And also he's in Thank God You're Here with Celia Piccola.

And you can also catch his comedy special on Paramount Plus, as he mentioned.

Now, to our outro song.

So those with good memory and a keen ear might remember that on episode four, with Rob Morgan, I played the song We Are Animals.

This is We Are Animals' low-key version.

It's a different arrangement, it's the same song, but I wanted to put it out there because I like both versions sort of equally.

And I just wanted to have something that I wrote in Australia again for Dane's episode.

And this is the one that always sticks in my mind as the most obvious song I wrote in Australia.

I was there in 2005 to six on a show and I wrote it on a piano backstage at Star City in Sydney.

Now this was recorded in Tokyo later that same year.

This is the remixed version that was originally on Re-Animals, not We Are Animals, and I hope you like it.

That was We Are Animals, the low key version.

I should add that the backing vocals on that song was sung by Yuki Yamanaka.

I don't want to not give her the credit because she did an amazing job all over that album.

Okay, so come back next week, tell other people.

I hope you enjoyed this episode.

Stay tuned for more.

We got some great episodes coming down the pipe.

Bye bye for now.